“I’m His Girlfriend”

I have had my fair share of heartbreaks
Well, my huge share of heartbreaks.

As I got older, I believed that it was a way of life
EVERYONE gets their heart broken
It’s the way that things work in the universe.

I believed that only after my first huge heartbreak
and then my father passed away
and then my grandmother passed away
and then it seemed necessary to believe.

Today sucked the remainder of my heart through a tube and crushed it.
I don’t think that I have any heart left, to be honest.
I feel it beating.
I’m sure that it’s physically okay
I assume so since I am still physically okay.
But it emotionally, spiritually, and metaphorically erupted into a million pieces.

Today I discovered that someone I have loved with my entire being and soul and heart
Someone who I had plans to marry one day.
Someone who I envisioned spending the rest of my life with.
Someone who I laid next to, and shared secrets with
Someone who I cried in front on, and someone who felt comfortable enough to cry on my shoulder
Someone who I introduced to my family, and doted on
Someone who I felt complete with.
That someone cheated on me.

I met the girl he cheated on me with
And she wasn’t someone to dislike
She looked like we could have been friends in another life
She was nice!
She was there and I was there.
I didn’t know immediately who she was.
It was me, he and she.
And when she was leaving, she brushed past him and didn’t look him in the eye
I knew then.
The air in my throat seemed to thin out
My chest seemed to tighten up.
I ran after the mysterious girl to find out her relationship to my special person, my heart, my soulmate, my fiance’.
She told me that she had been talking to him for months.
She spent the night with him a few times
And had had sexual relations with him.
In the same room and the same bed that we had been in.
She had loads of messages on her phone from their correspondence.
She was distraught.
And regretful for doing that to me.
She actually apologized!
She apologized like she knew about me
She apologized as if it was intentional.
She told me that she had seen pictures of me and him together and that he said that I was his “best friend who took pictures of him.”
In the end, that’s all I was.
Best friend picture girl.
As I saw the tears streaming down her face, I strained to hold my own in.
I felt bad for her, and upset at the same time.
How could I have missed this?
How could I have been so trusting?
How could I not have known about her?
How could this have happened right under my nose?
My only advice to her was not to let him hold her back
and to find a true love of her own.
I told her to never show weakness in front of anyone, and to never let someone see her cry.
I told her these words, as I was struggling to hold the pieces of myself together.
like Humpty-Dumpty.
I was near a church.
I felt that I should have some level of respect.
I saw her face.
She believed that she was his girlfriend.
I read the messages.
He told her that she was his soul.
He actually told her all the things that he had been telling me.
He told her his life story, and many of his secrets.
He shared his mind and his body with her.
She knew him!
He went to her house with her family!
She knew him!

I wish that I can say that I got into my car and left.
But I didn’t.
I faced him and asked the hard questions.
I cut the buck, and went insane.
I turned into the person that I had been fighting so hard to not be.
And he took me there.
I felt myself blacking out.
I have never been that angry, and still the sun rays were glaring through the window
and was warm on my face..
I didn’t cry.
I was too hurt and upset to cry.
He looked at me, not saying much.
He looked at me like I had just stumbled over his dirty laundry.

I left.
I left and didn’t turn back
and now he’s texting to meet up with me tomorrow
he said that he never did anything
he said that he didn’t cheat, because we had been having so many ups and downs.
He said that he did it to protect himself
Ha!
Who was protecting me?
My father was gone, so who was going to protect me?
Who was going to have my back?
Who was going to love me unconditionally?
Who was going to NOT disappoint me?

I wonder if anyone will ever love me again.
I wonder if any man will compare to my father.
What it is about me that men feel the need to trick, deceive and lie to me?

I was a fool.
I thought that I was the only one because he said that I was the only one.
He tells me he loves me all day everyday, and I overlooked the obvious thing in front of me.
I overlooked the fact that I was sharing a man that I loved with another.

I seem to have a habit of doing that.
I have always had to share…

Holding Back the Years

Now, I’m beginning to fear.
This is really starting to take a turn for the worst.
Why can’t life be like the movies?
Fairy tales make love look and feel so simple
and it’s just not that way.

I feel like I’m drowning in emotions and feelings
I can barely breathe
This is an all-consuming monster, sucking the very life out of me.

I don’t think that I can continue to go on with him.
We have not been together in over two weeks, and things have just gotten more and more complicated.
We were supposed to be working on getting along, and trusting each other.
Now, I feel as if this experiment was all in vain.
I am getting to the point where I don’t care, and when I get there, it’s hard for me to obtain any understanding.

I don’t know why people try to justify being in a bad situation
especially when you don’t have to damn be in it.
I do not feel like I should allow myself to be without…anything necessary.
Why should I?
There are so many opportunities in the world, and to just pass them by for a fleeting feeling I feel is ridiculous.
Why should I settle?

I see the way that I feel now
And I put that with the way that I was feeling before
and they don’t match up.
Could it be that I am falling out of love with him with each passing day?
Or could it be that I just don’t have to desire to keep pursuing his understanding?
I just can’t tell right now.

He was gone all weekend long in Atlanta.
He got back last night, and it barely phased me
I was upset about a few things, but I am becoming used to being disappointed.
Maybe that is a horrible thing to feel and say

I’m just about over it.
To be honest, I have been just about over it for a while now.

And the Award of “Fool” in a Leading Role Goes To…

So, I come to you with good news on my end

And troubling news on another end.

So I finally got a job!

Yep, that’s right.

I am an employed, law-abiding citizen

Image

this is an old picture, but the smile matches up to the one I had when I learned that I was finally employed.

It just happened by chance, actually

I made a call to someone my mom knew

who happens to be a manager at an Easy Money location near me

Well, she asked me to come in and fill out an application

And do a math assessment for stuff that I haven’t seen since elementary school

It was tough!

But I am smarter than a 5th grader, and I only missed two out of 30 on the test, thus passing.

She made a copy of my license and told me to come in on Wednesday at 10 am!

I’m so excited to be started this new chapter of my life.

Quiet as it’s kept, I haven’t “worked” a government job for 4 years.

FOUR WHOLE YEARS.

I have done photography and school to fill in the time, I suppose

But I am happy to be able to get money for myself, as a steady form of income.

So, yay me!

 

On the other end

the troubling news…

Lord

My “ex” Byron (and I use the word “ex” very, very lightly) called me last week with some exciting news of his own

He said that he had gotten the lead in a play in Atlanta

Now, Byron is no actor

Never has been

He models and does promotions based on his looks

He thrives off of his looks

That’s it.

But all of a sudden, he is a lead in a play

 A man named Michael Kane wrote a book and decided to turn it into a play

He somehow stumbled upon Byron’s MODELING page on modelmayhem, and looked up his information

He contacted him on his Facebook page, telling him to audition

Telling him that he was “perfect for the part.”

Byron happily obliges.

He shows up and is given the part

He learns that the play will be touring, with one of the eventual cities being New York, which is someone he has always wanted to go to

He learns that he will be compensated

He learns that 8,000 tickets had already been sold in advance, and the show doesn’t open until October

So good, so far.

And then he learns that the character he will be portraying is a “down-low brotha.”

If you don’t know what that is, you are probably dead.

He asks me about his choices

And then immediately decides that this will be beneficial for him

And he, of course, wants the opportunity to travel to New York above anything else.

 

My thing is simply this:

Why would you want to expose yourself to that kind of backlash when that is something that you are desperately trying to avoid?

Byron has always had a checkered past with the same sex.

He has always had some type of involvement with men

That was one of the reasons why things happened for us the way they did, and I am happy that they did.

He constantly tells me of his sexuality, and his “love” for women

But what is something if you have to keep trying to prove it?

Who are you really trying to convince?

I said that I would go and see the play, for a lot of different reasons

1. I just want to see how he is going to pull it off

2. I want to see how his acting is going to hold up.

3. I want to see what kind of interaction he and this other guy will have in the play.

4. I want to see the response to his role in this play.

 

I’m just anxious.

It amuses me (and maybe it shouldn’t, but hell, it does) that Byron doesn’t understand the significance of being told that he’s “perfect” for this part.

Why does everyone else get that but him?

But I’m not one to judge

We had our brief run four years ago

That ship has come and looooong since sailed away

I wish him nothing but the best, but I don’t think that taking on this role is the best decision for what he is trying to accomplish

But to each his own.

It is not my place or my concern anymore what Byron does.

As long as he is sure it is what he wants to do, then I’m all for it.

I will be continually updating on this as I get in the details, but something tells me that this is going to go left very quickly.

 

 

This is a Stick Up?

For some reason, the bulk of bad news in my life comes during the summer time.

I think that warm weather doesn’t agree with me, and wants to drain any happiness that I may feel.

I wasn’t prepared for this

I am utterly and honestly sick to my stomach.

I had been having a particular person on my mind for a while now

My friend’s sister Ashley

I have known Ashley since she was about 17 years old.

She’s 24 now.

I have always admired her, and always thought she was just a doll

My friend, Amber and I have had a lot of things in common, but one thing we have doted on was our younger sisters.

We both had younger sisters that were the light of our lives

We both were the oldest out of two children.

Just us and the younger sisters.

Ashley, my baby

My precious

She had been on my mind, and I had been trying to contact her for some time now

She finally messaged me back yesterday morning, saying that she would give me a call

I was just happy

I had breathed a sigh of relief.

Ashley has been a heroin addict for a while now

She and her addict boyfriend had been keeping a low profile from all family and friends.

Amber told me about the severity of the situation, but since she tends to exaggerate at times, I wanted to see Ashley for myself.

I was glad to finally get the chance to speak to her myself.

And then this happened…..

ashley

Breaking News Story

Ashley and her sorry excuse for a boyfriend set out in his car for a ride

She drops him off at the Wal-Mart right down the street from me

Literally DOWN THE STREET FROM ME.

About 5 minutes from me

She drives the car on down the street to the local apothecary

She gets a wrench and goes into the store

It’s 5:47 pm

There are people inside of the apothecary

She holds the place up, and robs them

As she is fleeing the scene, an off-duty police officer spots her and shoots in her general direction

One bullet flies through the establishment

the other bullet hits one of the tires of the car she is in.

She manages to make it about a mile up the street where the local Wal-Mart is

She is apprehended.

 

I have heard so many different stories on this

I know that I have been absolutely disgusted by the comments that I have seen

It’s been plastered all over the web and all over the television screen.

 

I am simply heartbroken

So heartbroken

Ashley is such a beautiful and special person.

I hate that she got involved with a dude who made it easy for her to choose destructive things for heroin

He’s out scott-free, while she’s locked up for 1st degree Robbery, and probably a slew of other things they can throw on her

He set up the robbery

He was part of the plan

He just presented himself with an alibi when the shit hit the fan

It’s people like that whom makes it so hard for me to trust

Ashley was a bright and intelligent young woman, before she met him

Nothing but trash.

Anyway, I’ll keep updating on this story as I am told the details.

Her mom has assured me that things are in the works to ensure that she is offered some deep, beneficial treatment for her heroin habit.

I just hopes that it all turns out well, and that she stays the hell away from Trey (the bastard).

 

Anyhoo, I will leave you now with a picture of my beautiful Ashley.

That mugshot does her no justice

She really is a light.

ashley3

 

😦

Cops and Robbers

I have said this for the past three years

Summer is of the devil.

Nothing but evil can come from a hot climate and half-naked people (insert joke here)

Summer 2011: I came from doing some Father’s Day shopping with my mom to discover my father had died in his sleep in his bed in our house.

Summer 2012: My grandmother gets sick suddenly and dies at home with me right in front of her.

Summer 2013: While my mom and I were in the comfort of our own home, a masked man breaks into our house, steals my sister’s television, and threatens to kill me in the process.

 

Scared is not even the word for it.

I don’t think that I have a word for it.

Completely, jumping-out-of-my-skin terrified sounds close enough.

 

It all begins with a story….

 

I have lived in this house since I was two months old.

I’ll be 25 in September.

I have resided in other locations, such as my university dormitory, but this has always been my home

We have never had any trouble on this street. EVER.

Nothing news-worthy, or terribly awful

It has been a quiet and wonderful street.

Everyone knows everyone.

Everyone is pretty nice.

And then, four years ago, we got new next door neighbors.

And, as the old saying goes, “There went the neighborhood.”

A woman and her two sons moved in next to us.

Then came the loud music.

Then came the pit bull who was running away from the house to sit on our porch.

A pit bull RUNNING AWAY!

By the way, the house is less than 50 feet away on the left hand side.

WTF?

I had to physically pick up the dog one time and take it back to the house.

You know that you have trouble when a pit bull runs away from a residence to the house next door.

But anyway, fast forward a few months to yesterday.

I am a very intuitive person.

I have wisdom and discernment.

I have not experienced a lot of things in my short life, but I do know feelings.

I have not been feeling safe for a long time now.

I even asked my best friend, who is in the Army, to teach me how to shoot a gun.

I was desperate.

I wanted to not jump out of my skin every time I got ready to leave the house

I wanted to not feel like something awful was going to happen to someone that I loved.

 

I wanted security

And safety.

 

But anyway, with the events of yesterday

My mom and I were at home

Her car was in the garage.

My sister was away, meeting a friend for dinner after work

No biggie

Everything seemed normal, but didn’t.

I had been having a peculiar feeling all day, and expressed this to my mom.

She co-signed, stating that she was feeling the same way.

I thought nothing more of it.

I figured that I just needed to get some fresh air, and decided that maybe I should take a run around the neighborhood.

I had done it numerous of other times, and was okay with leaving the house.

But something told me to stick around.

I had been walking around the house

I had gone downstairs and gotten some clothes out of the dryer.

I was folding them up in my mom’s room

Everything seemed to be “okay.”

About 15 minutes later, we heard a loud thump.

We both asked each other about it, but since we have a dead tree awfully close to the house, we thought that it was simply the tree bark falling agai1nst the house.

We are in our rooms.

My mom has her door open and her light on, watching tv.

I was in my room watching my favorite Korean drama online.

Just then, I heard some rustling in my sister’s room.

If you seen a layout of our house, everything is very close together upstairs.

The wall conjoining my sister’s bedroom with mine is very thin.

I can practically hear every move she makes in there.

I figured that she was home from work.

I kept hearing some loud ruckus.

I went into the hallway, when suddenly a Black teenager dressed all in black, with an orange mask came out and said,

“Bitch, get the fuck away from me before I kill you, hoe.”

I thought it was a joke

I couldn’t believe that it was real.

But I could see that he had my sister’s tv in his hands

That’s when I realized that we were being robbed in BROAD DAYLIGHT.

I ran into my mom’s room and closed and locked the door.

I told her to call the police; we had just had someone break into our house.

She called and there were here in minutes, with guns drawn.

They went through our house to make sure no one was still there.

I immediately began to think that the neighbors next door were responsible

My mom tried to quiet me, telling me not to accuse anyone with evidence.

 

I knew in my heart though.

In my spirit

in my being.

I knew that the next door neighbors were responsible.

My mother and I were forced outside by people with barely any decent clothes on and no shoes

We were told to get behind a police car.

It was like something out of a damn movie.

I still struggle with the disbelief over the entire event.

The police asked me what I saw.

I described the robber in great detail, right down to the sweat I smelled on his shirt.

We were that close to each other.

I told them that I had an inkling that the next door neighbors were involved.

 

They went over there

Minutes later, they came out with my sister’s tv in hand

They arrested the two brothers

A few minutes after that, they came out with the mask

They had reason to enter the house because the oldest kept trying to go for the basement, which is where the tv was laid.

They were 22 and 17.

 

Some other things occurred, but I won’t bore anyone with those details.

All I can say is this: It doesn’t take much to have all of your personal security “stolen” from you

Pun intended.

My mom, sister, and I are all getting guns and permits to carry.

We are always getting the house decked out with alarm systems and cameras.

It sad that you can stay right next door to someone, and be violated by them when they decide to enter your home.

 

I’m shocked and disgusted.

Definitely two of the world’s dumbest criminals.

Not what I expected on a Friday night….

 

 

 

What’s the Worst that Could Happen?

I don’t consider myself to be cynical

I do consider myself to hope for the best, but always prepare for the worst

Because, in my experiences, the worst has nearly ALWAYS occured

And when I have a feeling about something, it is always justified.

Today was the day of reckoning

Today was the day to lay everything out on the line

My love was supposed to go to court to see about the fate of his relationship with his first and only child

Oh my god.

I think that everything that could have gone wrong, did.

I expected it

I felt it down deep in my soul

He doesn’t listen to me

He doesn’t listen to anyone.

He went into that courtroom blindly, without a clue as to what would happen.

He now has to pay $246 for ONE CHILD.

He even has to get a lawyer in order to get visitation and other rights for the child, who lives in Pennsylvania.

I told him not to  underestimate the situation.

I told him that I had a feeling that something “not right” was going to happen.

He doesn’t even have a job or a car right now

and to have to pay nearly 300 bucks for a kid that he hasn’t seen in two years

and to pay for one that he can’t even get a DNA test on because he signed the birth certificate.

I’m so disgusted, that I don’t know what the hell to do.

and I know exactly what happened.

He went in there, posted up like a gargoyle or some type of statue, and didn’t open his mouth about anything.

He said that he had a strategy.

He said that he had everything worked out.

And he went in there and pretty much got everything taken from him.

His manhood

His rights as a father

His rights as a parent.

His rights to see or talk to his child

He definitely lost.

He lost big and bad, too.

I can’t help but feeling like this is all his fault

I told him

I warned him.

I don’t understand why he takes things so lightly.

I even had a way for him to discuss his situation with a lawyer

He didn’t seem to think that was necessary.

Now, he has to pay quite a bit out of pocket, for a child out of state, that he can’t see or talk to.

Wow.

I don’t know why, but my heart is broken all in my chest

I hate being right on things that I want to be wrong about.

Damn.

Why can’t anything go right for me or the people that I am involved with?

Oh, and by the way, he has to have the first payment for child support by AUGUST 1ST.

In case you happened to not have a calender by, that’s NEXT THURSDAY.

I feel like I got shafted, and it’s not even my kid.

We’re not even married…yet.

So, doing the math, with the number that they gave him, he would have to pay $2,952 a year for his daughter.

My dad barely made that much when he was on disability.

That means that whatever job he gets, it’s going to have to cover that number, but the cost of his own personal living.

I am literally sick to my stomach right now.

I’m not a selfish person, by nature, but for some reason, it seems like all of this just happened to me

Like I am the one paying for it.

I am with him

We’re supposed to be getting married late next year.

How in the hell is this happening?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I am asking myself so many questions because I can’t ask him

He doesn’t want to talk.

I guess he is realizing how royally fucked up this is.

Ugh.

I’m about to take some Extra Strength Excedrin and lay down.

Don’t have the energy for anything else today

No, don’t have the energy for anything else this damn week.

neliyah

To My Followers

I have always been a gracious person

I consider this blog to be a great outlook for me, and I appreciate all of YOU who have dedicated your time and resources to “following” along on the journey

I am working on writing on more topics, whether personal or wordly

I originally started this blog to speak on a number of different things, but since I picked it back up, I’ve been talking all about me!

 

I am a writer

and a photographer

and an artist

As well as a number of other creative things.

 

I am happy to be able to vent and vibe on this blog.

So, this is to my “followers.”

I appreciate the support, and please don’t hesitate to include your opinions and/or comments

Hopefully, we are all trying to grow on here.