*the dash in between*

for years, i have had questions
questions about life
questions about the dash
you know, the dash
the thing that actually defines you
your legacy
your purpose
your reason for existence
you are born
you live out the “dash”
and then you die
that dash has become everything to me
lately i have re-evaluated everything in my life
the people
the choices
the decisions
the past
the present
the future
everything has come under close scrutiny
and i think that there is no need to really trust anyone
i have discovered that it is better to depend on no one
it seems like they all let you down….eventually
so, now i’m wondering if that is the life that i am meant to live
a life with no one in it that i can really trust
how sad
i wish that i had known the things before that i know now.
i think that i would have been a better person
probably would have had even less people in my corner, but i think that i would have been happier
i look back and i realize how naive i was
how utterly in the dark i was about life and its consequences
wow
did i do anything right?
that is the question i would ask myself when the dash is over
the life that i have known on earth is over
did i really do anything right?

today was epic
went through some mess
came out of some drama
and now, i’m wondering was it all for the right reasons
i hate drama
i hate being in the middle of mess
i don’t like gossip
i’m a pretty well kept person
i’m a peacemaker
i’m a lover, not a fighter
but i will fight for the ones that i love
and yet, i still ask, was it all for the best?
was it right?
was it enough?
was i able to spot good people and did they fit right in my life?
was i a good judge of character?
i mean, true character?
i ask myself this so many times
life can be so disappointing
but can find ways to be so fulfilling at the same time.

i spend so much of my time looking for the knife in my back
trying to discover who is really for me and who isn’t
and the shit always ends up hitting the fan
i may be called the “seeker of truth”
i just can’t be in the dark about anything because i spent so much of my life not knowing much of anything
i’m worried now
i’m worried that my dash is going to be too painful to look on and recall in the future
and my future is bright
everytime i think about it, i get smiles and a light shines in my heart
but i have to remember that i have to get through this time
this present that i have been given
this is what i need to work on right now if i want to have any hope for the future
but, as of right now, my dash is still undetermined
i am still thinking of ways to make that dash mean something
and i have yet to discover that
i don’t have a loyal friend in the world
or a decent person to talk to that i trust
that has been a huge word for me lately
what in the hell is the trust?
i feel like i have encountered the worst of the crop in my 21 years
damn
wasn’t i a good enough person
i ask that many times a day
i just think that it will all be revealed to me when i’m ready
and wise
perhaps that is the day that the dash in between will equal a life worth living
and loving.

missj

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*trust is an option*

so, i recently connected with an old friend, Jay
yeah, we had bad beef and haven’t righteously spoken in nearly 3 years
i haven’t seen him since november
of course, i have no social life and don’t get out much
but i saw him a week ago at a gay club (was with friends, so don’t ask) and we just kind of hit it back off
i always think that it’s convenient to get back into touch with people who already know you
of course, people change, or one would hope they change, within the course of 3 years, but you find yourself not trying as hard to impress them
which is a score for both of us
and he has really missed me
so, me and him have been talking this past week and everything has been gravy
but with the renewal of this friendship, i have discovered so many things
who in the hell can you trust?
i mean, we have talked over so many things and have analyzed every person in our lives
and i’m left with one question
who the hell can be trusted?
as of right now, my answer is no one but the good lord

so this is the dilemma
i have a friend named TQ
and we have been friends for 3 years
but we have had 3 big fall outs or whatever
sometimes we don’t see eye to eye on things and her way of dealing with stuff is putting a LOT of space between us
but, anyway, i have confided in her about everything
i mean, there is nearly nothing that i keep from her
and i was sure that it was vice versa
so, i’ve been having “man” problems and i discussed them with her because she is my friend
but she pretty much know what’s going on
i shared everything with her about me and my love life
or lack thereof
when i started back talking to my friend, he pretty told me my whole life story back to me
and we haven’t spoken in 3 years
i was in utter shock and horror
how the hell did he know what i was doing and what i had been up to?
then we found the source
the one thing that i didn’t know that we had in common
it was TQ
it was a friend that TQ and Jay share
who is completely irrelevant to me since i don’t like the guy
but TQ told him ALL MY BUSINESS and then he reported to Jay like some little bitch
i have never been a messy person
i have never been involved with mess
or have started mess
i prefer to stay to myself and not worry about things that i have no control over
but i was angry
it’s another thing to share your life with your friend
anything that goes on with you in one thing
but when you share private personal events of other friends’ lives with other friends, shit starts to hit the fan quick
i live in birmingham, alabama
shit gets around so quick in birmingham that by the time you go the mailbox, three people across the street have recorded it and all of YOUTUBE know
i mean, it’s not that big and if you know one person, you know 20 people’s personal business
i couldn’t believe that TQ, of all people, would confide in someone like that and then spill all of my personal business
that really hurt my feelings, and as a result, i have lost trust
trust is like jobs
so hard to come by nowadays, and for me, once it’s gone, it’s really hard to get it back
it’s just nature for me
Jay told me all about my love and everything that i have been through in the past 2 months
i mean, he knew EVERYTHING
SMDH
i talked to TQ tonight and i really wanted to go off and make a huge scene on the telephone
but Jay told me not to
and i’m glad that i didn’t because that would have beget drama
it’s hard to do something when more than one person is involved in something
with this crazy ring, there’s me, TQ, Jay, the other guy and maybe a few other people who i know nohting about
it’s awful
i can understand TQ’s concern about me and my love life
i mean, when you are in love, that’s just it
everything matters, but your love matters in an entirely different way
and “he” is my family
it’s like we share the same blood and the same heart and the same mind
i can’t breathe without him
it’s just a connection like none other that i have in my life
or ever will have for that matter
and i can see why
trust is sparingly available nowadays
i’m so sad for TQ
she is not going to get 100% out of me, because i’m hurt
and i really don’t know how to approach her on that without it turning into a huge thing
oh well

there goes that friendship

missj

*just friends*

i get so amused by this phrase
“we are just friends”
what the hell does that mean?
“well, we occasionally get together and screw like hyenas in heat, but we’re just friends”
whatever
i am so tired of that phrase being abused
terribly used and referred to as the “cut buddy”
“no strings attached”
“friend with benefits”
“i scratch your back and you scratch mine” type arrangement
that is so old and played
people need to be more honest with themselves
they justify not being real adults and replace it with childish games
i, myself, can understand how one can get caught up in a situation like this
it’s so easy
for example:
you are really feeling this person
they are really feeling you
but, all the while, drama lies underneath
could be confusing history
bad attempt at first relationship
worse attempt at second relationship
career taking front seat
anything
there are so many factors that play in the removal of the “traditional, committed relationship”
so anyway, you don’t want to throw away the history that you have with this person
for some reason or another, they feel the same way
and although you two are unable to make it “work” at this moment in time, you agree to try “other methods” of keeping it in the balance
so, you try casual dating
only see each other when you have time, but no strings
allowing each other to breathe
then you try casual sex
which, of course, is an oxymoron in itself
and everything is fine
life is great
no strings attached
no committment
no weird attempt at another “failed” perception of a relationship
just occassional meet-ups for lunch
and sex
and to top it off, the sex is always great
the non-committed
non-attached
no-worry sex
oh yeah
believe me
it’s the best that a non-relationship can offer
for a while, everything is smooth
but then, you or they meet someone
someone interesting
someone worth finding out about
someone worth getting to know
then everything changes
the slick remarks saying “we are just friends” no longer holds its appeal
it becomes vile and offensive
it’s no longer fun and “organized”

so, i feel like the whole “just friends” thing is a myth, created by people who don’t want to commit
but still want that particular person in their life
and all they can offer them is a cold beer and some hot sex
and eventually, as it always does, that gets old
and played out

sometimes it better to learn from one’s mistakes
don’t get me wrong
i love my babe and i danced around the whole “just friends” things for a long, long time
in four years of knowing each other, we dated four
i broke if off because he just wasn’t ready to play “boyfriend”
and even after that, we were still engaging in questable activities for two people who were supposed to not be TOGETHER
or whatever the hell that means
but we never dated other people
but we never tried to give our thing another go
and that always left us with questions
“what are we really?”
“what is our title?”
“what shall i call you?”
“isn’t ‘friend’ a bit informal?”
“why should i call you my friend when we do so many ‘unfriendly’ things?”
you start making up excuses to not move on, as if you are in a real relationship
my favorite thing to say:
“oh, it’s complicated right now.”
that’s a damn lie!
nothing about love is really complicated
it’s just that people try to make it into a riddle
something that must be solved and conquered and it’s much more complex than that.
sometimes it’s merely about believing
believing that people are placed in your life for a reason and then figuring out how they fit
if you are meant to be with someone, in time, you will be
can’t rush it
can’t make it happen
can’t make it not happen
it just will fall in place at its own rate
and in its own time

now, if only i could take my own advice
[taps finger on chin]
hmm

missj

*killing me softly*

i saw him tonight
and i swear my heart almost stopped
i couldn’t believe it
i didn’t know whether to slap him or hug him
i almost died
and wanted to cry
but there he was
after nearly five months of not seeing him
of not being near him every day
he was there
in the background
blended in
barely noticeable
and my entire crew was looking to see what i would do
i had just spoken his name five seconds before i saw him
literally five seconds
one
two
three
four
five
and there he was
in the back of the club
looked different
but the same
that smile
immediately melt my heart in a puddle that dropped to the floor
made it hard for me to stand straight
lost all concentration
he had a Mohawk
was very, very cute
i mean, good looking
had on shades
in the back of the club
i hugged him
and hugged him
and talked to him
and laughed with him
and fought back tears that had accumulated for five months
and then i hugged him so more

so, truth is, he’s living in livingston, alabama
working full time
manager at sam’s club
taking up classes in hoover
but hasn’t started yet
he smelled like lotion and baby powder
sweet smelling neck
don’t remember that
but i remember him
i was smiling like some geek in an arcade
no, like a gambler at a bingo hall
no, like a gambler in tunica, mississippi
yeah, yeah
more like that

i now can understand what the old folks mean by unconditional love
it’s just something that stays with you
i mean, no matter how angry and upset you may get at the person
they got your heart
and will always stay with you
how wonderful is that?
no, he hasn’t always done right or treated me right
but i consider myself to be so blessed to have him in my life

all this time i’ve been trying to understand his purpose in my life
why the hurt?
why the pain?
why the persistence on my end?
i swear, when i looked into his eyes, it all went away
i damn near forgot everything
he looked like a superstar
no, he looked like a man
a man with an agenda
so many people knew him and were smiling at him and wanting to be close to him

at that point, i was happy.
even if it was a lie
and even if it was only a moment.

i was truly happy.

missj

*truth or dare*

what do you do when everything that you have heard out a certain person’s mouth is a lie?
i mean, everything can be second-guessed
i have had my heart broken so many different times
how can i trust again?
how can i look him in the face and be okay?
of course i have forgiven
i do like to sleep at night and not think about being angry, so i just let it go
but ever so often, it creeps into my sub conscience

what does one do when they lose faith?
not religious faith in the sense
but faith in a person
faith in love
you have just lost belief that a person can actually change
and be good
be better
that’s where i am right now
i have simply lost my faith in this person
i mean, i was so dedicated and so trusting
almost naive to a certain extent
but i was so willing to make everything work
and make him better
and be the best thing in life for him
but hell, I’m not God
i can’t mold and make someone be something that they don’t want to be
and that used to upset me
but now i have learned to deal with it
change what i can
and whatever i can’t, leave in the hands of the good Lord

so far, so good
but sometimes i lay in bed and wonder
was that the love of my life?
would things have gone different if i was different?
a better person?
a better lover?
did i push “him” over the edge with a comment
a suggestion
an argument
what was it?
but then i think that maybe it’s not for me to know
everything happens for a reason
sometimes things are just meant to fall apart
show true strength and character
i have learned that i greatly appreciate the hard times
and the bad times
and the times where i thought that i wouldn’t be able to get out of bed
those were the times that i truly learned about myself
i believe that i found myself amongst the heartache
and heartbreak
i am truly a better person
so i think that if it took all of this to get there, then there should be no reason to be angry or upset
he lied
okay
that’s on him
it’s not preventing me from sleeping at night
that’s something that he has to live with and sleep on and wake up thinking about
no wonder he hasn’t called me in over a month
sometimes the lies get too much to think of
and too much to maintain
until you just say, forget it
i’d rather not talk to you then to fill your head with made-up experiences and lies
good
i’m glad he thinks that way
yes, i’ve missed his voice
and his mere friendship
but i’m fine
i’ve been getting by better than ever lately
and i have the lies to thank
and, of course, God’s guidance.
truth is so much better
but i dare to be okay amidst the lies
and say, “everything is going to be alright.”

and it is.

missj

*purify me*

so, yesterday i went out with my mom to applebee’s after leaving a concert that Miles College had in honor of their album release
a choir that my sister is in 🙂
but we were out and there were a group of guys sitting about three booths down from us and it was clear that at least, 2/3 were gay, if not all
and there were celebrating a friend returning from training or some army-related activity
and my mom made the comment that there were a lot of good-looking men in the restaurant and acknowledged the guys at that particular table
i simply said that i couldn’t date any of them because i was pretty sure they were gay
my mom said they were too good-looking to gay
whatever the hell that means
and i said that it didn’t matter anyway
hell, i’m a couple of glasses of wine from being gay my damn self
so, all of a sudden, my mother and i are engaged in a “deep” conversation about sexuality and sexual orientation

i don’t believe that there are any pure people left in the world
whoever says that they are 100% on the up and up are complete and total liars
i just think that the whole “adam and eve” theory is dead
it’s adam and steve
and eve and steve
adam, eve and steve
eve and nancy
eve, steve, nancy and adam
i think that the conventional relationship is gone
everyone has a skeleton in their closet, dying to come out
get it?

point to prove:
i was sitting with a friend, having lunch and we were discussing many things
friendships, relationships, old high school memories
and we can across someone that i used to talk to briefly that went to high school with me
oh he was a good looking football player, in a “steady” relationship with his girlfriend of several millenias and we made contact through onlinebootycall.com
long story
inside joke
don’t judge me
but anyway, me and ole boy started talking about things and texting everyday just about
it was cool
nothing over the top, because i was surprised that he would even text me, seeing as that we had little to no interaction with each other in high school.
but anyway, he told me that he had “broken” up with his long-term girlfriend and was, apparently, on the prowl
i gave in a little to loneliness and sheer curiosity and agreed to meet him
at the time, i was living on campus, so i invited him to my dorm
well, he comes and meets with me and we do a little sumthin’ sumthin’
kiss and touch among other little things
never had sex though
which i ended up thanking God for later
but anyway, he left and that was the last time we met up

somewhere around last year or so, i got a facebook message from a guy named james
he was talking about why i was with his man
of course, my interest has peaked and i was curious to know exactly what MAN he was talking about
he meant the guy from my school
my mouth dropped to the ground in utter shock and disbelief
i quickly cleared my name and said that i was never “with” his man and dismissed james from any contact and further conversation with me
on the contrary, i was completely blown away, not by the accusation, but by the person involved in the details

well, back at the lunch table with my friend, she immediately traces back to someone that she knew that made the same claim
the guy’s name also being james (hint, hint)
and said that james called the guy and put him on speakerphone
juicy, i know!
so, basically the guy dug himself an even bigger hole
was talking about how he was buying james stuff and doing sexual favors and a bunch of nonsense

so, yeah
i’m convinced
everyone has some alternative motive for doing things
and the guy from my school IS STILL claiming that he is in a relationship with his same girlfriend
i wonder, sometimes, if she is an idiot
does she know what he is doing or has done?
did they agree to be in an “open” relationship and did she know that meant that he opened his fly up for guys?
was that ever in the original plan?
i feel so sorry for her if she doesn’t know
i mean, that has to be the worst feeling in the world
knowing that you are not good enough, compared to a woman and another man
your competition is any and every body
ugh
got to be irritating when one thinks about it
am i ever enough?

who is pure anyway?
we spend so much time trying to identify ourselves
our needs and wants define our very being
so i don’t think that anything is one way
everyone is part this and part that and part something
no such thing as gay and straight
in the situation mentioned above, that guy just loved sex
and it was sex with whoever

i once saw a documentary on television on porn stars
again, don’t judge me
but it was talking about how the the sexual acts are ranged in order from highest paid to lowest paid
there was a guy on the show
who was married
to a woman
but participated only in gay porn
because it paid the highest
and his wife would come on set to “support” him and pull a tit out in case he got weary
now, imagine that
your only source of cash flow is a lie
or is it?
seems like the definition of human nature
we will sell out our first born for cash
for sex
for power
for ignorance
purity loss for bliss

missj

*everywhere*

damn
i’m starting to wonder if this is how my life will always be
longing
wanting
hungering

i mean, where the hell is the satisfaction?
i’m missing the days where i was complete
now that i found love, it seems like my heart stays on empty
men are weird to me
women may think that they are so complex, but they really as simple as they come off
everything they do doesn’t involve actual thought into consequences, i don’t think
i’m still trying to figure them out.
but once i fell in love, that was it
it seems like it takes so much energy to start all over again
that’s why i find it strange that someone can do that over and over again, with the same strength and the same energy
love this one
love that one
love this one and that one
and then exert the same time
the same love
the same body
the same mental
towards another
wow
to me, that is just mind-boggling
i think that i can understand how someone can die from a broken heart
it’s just from not being able to pick up the pieces and continue on with life
i know someone that died from that
just pure broken heart, the kind that can’t mend itself
in studies, it shows that once the heart, which is a muscle, dies, you die
i think that it’s technical also

i think that is what life is about
today, my dad told me that he really enjoys watching Tyler Perry’s “House of Payne
he said that the only thing is that he doesn’t like is the black depiction of the relationship between Junior and his wife
Break up
Make up
Break up longer
Get back together
The same cycle

i mean, isn’t that what every relationship is about?
i know it’s what mine was about
even the friendships
fall out
be cool
fall back out over stupid shit
be cool again
i mean, that’s every relationship that i have ever had in my life
it just seems like the normal thing to do is not be normal
who the hell is perfect anyway?
no one that i know actually
we all have personal baggage to bring to the table
we all have people in our lives that may or may not have more baggage then us
and then we spend our entire lives trying to make it work
trying to build and tear down relationships with people
it could be family, friends, loved ones or even trying to love a stranger for the first time
it’s all hard as hell
life is tough, man
and with all of the other things you have to deal with, one would literally have to enter a relationship half-crazy

missj