for years, i have had questions
questions about life
questions about the dash
you know, the dash
the thing that actually defines you
your reason for existence
you are born
you live out the “dash”
and then you die
that dash has become everything to me
lately i have re-evaluated everything in my life
everything has come under close scrutiny
and i think that there is no need to really trust anyone
i have discovered that it is better to depend on no one
it seems like they all let you down….eventually
so, now i’m wondering if that is the life that i am meant to live
a life with no one in it that i can really trust
i wish that i had known the things before that i know now.
i think that i would have been a better person
probably would have had even less people in my corner, but i think that i would have been happier
i look back and i realize how naive i was
how utterly in the dark i was about life and its consequences
did i do anything right?
that is the question i would ask myself when the dash is over
the life that i have known on earth is over
did i really do anything right?
today was epic
went through some mess
came out of some drama
and now, i’m wondering was it all for the right reasons
i hate drama
i hate being in the middle of mess
i don’t like gossip
i’m a pretty well kept person
i’m a peacemaker
i’m a lover, not a fighter
but i will fight for the ones that i love
and yet, i still ask, was it all for the best?
was it right?
was it enough?
was i able to spot good people and did they fit right in my life?
was i a good judge of character?
i mean, true character?
i ask myself this so many times
life can be so disappointing
but can find ways to be so fulfilling at the same time.
i spend so much of my time looking for the knife in my back
trying to discover who is really for me and who isn’t
and the shit always ends up hitting the fan
i may be called the “seeker of truth”
i just can’t be in the dark about anything because i spent so much of my life not knowing much of anything
i’m worried now
i’m worried that my dash is going to be too painful to look on and recall in the future
and my future is bright
everytime i think about it, i get smiles and a light shines in my heart
but i have to remember that i have to get through this time
this present that i have been given
this is what i need to work on right now if i want to have any hope for the future
but, as of right now, my dash is still undetermined
i am still thinking of ways to make that dash mean something
and i have yet to discover that
i don’t have a loyal friend in the world
or a decent person to talk to that i trust
that has been a huge word for me lately
what in the hell is the trust?
i feel like i have encountered the worst of the crop in my 21 years
wasn’t i a good enough person
i ask that many times a day
i just think that it will all be revealed to me when i’m ready
perhaps that is the day that the dash in between will equal a life worth living