Cops and Robbers

I have said this for the past three years

Summer is of the devil.

Nothing but evil can come from a hot climate and half-naked people (insert joke here)

Summer 2011: I came from doing some Father’s Day shopping with my mom to discover my father had died in his sleep in his bed in our house.

Summer 2012: My grandmother gets sick suddenly and dies at home with me right in front of her.

Summer 2013: While my mom and I were in the comfort of our own home, a masked man breaks into our house, steals my sister’s television, and threatens to kill me in the process.


Scared is not even the word for it.

I don’t think that I have a word for it.

Completely, jumping-out-of-my-skin terrified sounds close enough.


It all begins with a story….


I have lived in this house since I was two months old.

I’ll be 25 in September.

I have resided in other locations, such as my university dormitory, but this has always been my home

We have never had any trouble on this street. EVER.

Nothing news-worthy, or terribly awful

It has been a quiet and wonderful street.

Everyone knows everyone.

Everyone is pretty nice.

And then, four years ago, we got new next door neighbors.

And, as the old saying goes, “There went the neighborhood.”

A woman and her two sons moved in next to us.

Then came the loud music.

Then came the pit bull who was running away from the house to sit on our porch.

A pit bull RUNNING AWAY!

By the way, the house is less than 50 feet away on the left hand side.


I had to physically pick up the dog one time and take it back to the house.

You know that you have trouble when a pit bull runs away from a residence to the house next door.

But anyway, fast forward a few months to yesterday.

I am a very intuitive person.

I have wisdom and discernment.

I have not experienced a lot of things in my short life, but I do know feelings.

I have not been feeling safe for a long time now.

I even asked my best friend, who is in the Army, to teach me how to shoot a gun.

I was desperate.

I wanted to not jump out of my skin every time I got ready to leave the house

I wanted to not feel like something awful was going to happen to someone that I loved.


I wanted security

And safety.


But anyway, with the events of yesterday

My mom and I were at home

Her car was in the garage.

My sister was away, meeting a friend for dinner after work

No biggie

Everything seemed normal, but didn’t.

I had been having a peculiar feeling all day, and expressed this to my mom.

She co-signed, stating that she was feeling the same way.

I thought nothing more of it.

I figured that I just needed to get some fresh air, and decided that maybe I should take a run around the neighborhood.

I had done it numerous of other times, and was okay with leaving the house.

But something told me to stick around.

I had been walking around the house

I had gone downstairs and gotten some clothes out of the dryer.

I was folding them up in my mom’s room

Everything seemed to be “okay.”

About 15 minutes later, we heard a loud thump.

We both asked each other about it, but since we have a dead tree awfully close to the house, we thought that it was simply the tree bark falling agai1nst the house.

We are in our rooms.

My mom has her door open and her light on, watching tv.

I was in my room watching my favorite Korean drama online.

Just then, I heard some rustling in my sister’s room.

If you seen a layout of our house, everything is very close together upstairs.

The wall conjoining my sister’s bedroom with mine is very thin.

I can practically hear every move she makes in there.

I figured that she was home from work.

I kept hearing some loud ruckus.

I went into the hallway, when suddenly a Black teenager dressed all in black, with an orange mask came out and said,

“Bitch, get the fuck away from me before I kill you, hoe.”

I thought it was a joke

I couldn’t believe that it was real.

But I could see that he had my sister’s tv in his hands

That’s when I realized that we were being robbed in BROAD DAYLIGHT.

I ran into my mom’s room and closed and locked the door.

I told her to call the police; we had just had someone break into our house.

She called and there were here in minutes, with guns drawn.

They went through our house to make sure no one was still there.

I immediately began to think that the neighbors next door were responsible

My mom tried to quiet me, telling me not to accuse anyone with evidence.


I knew in my heart though.

In my spirit

in my being.

I knew that the next door neighbors were responsible.

My mother and I were forced outside by people with barely any decent clothes on and no shoes

We were told to get behind a police car.

It was like something out of a damn movie.

I still struggle with the disbelief over the entire event.

The police asked me what I saw.

I described the robber in great detail, right down to the sweat I smelled on his shirt.

We were that close to each other.

I told them that I had an inkling that the next door neighbors were involved.


They went over there

Minutes later, they came out with my sister’s tv in hand

They arrested the two brothers

A few minutes after that, they came out with the mask

They had reason to enter the house because the oldest kept trying to go for the basement, which is where the tv was laid.

They were 22 and 17.


Some other things occurred, but I won’t bore anyone with those details.

All I can say is this: It doesn’t take much to have all of your personal security “stolen” from you

Pun intended.

My mom, sister, and I are all getting guns and permits to carry.

We are always getting the house decked out with alarm systems and cameras.

It sad that you can stay right next door to someone, and be violated by them when they decide to enter your home.


I’m shocked and disgusted.

Definitely two of the world’s dumbest criminals.

Not what I expected on a Friday night….





What’s the Worst that Could Happen?

I don’t consider myself to be cynical

I do consider myself to hope for the best, but always prepare for the worst

Because, in my experiences, the worst has nearly ALWAYS occured

And when I have a feeling about something, it is always justified.

Today was the day of reckoning

Today was the day to lay everything out on the line

My love was supposed to go to court to see about the fate of his relationship with his first and only child

Oh my god.

I think that everything that could have gone wrong, did.

I expected it

I felt it down deep in my soul

He doesn’t listen to me

He doesn’t listen to anyone.

He went into that courtroom blindly, without a clue as to what would happen.

He now has to pay $246 for ONE CHILD.

He even has to get a lawyer in order to get visitation and other rights for the child, who lives in Pennsylvania.

I told him not to  underestimate the situation.

I told him that I had a feeling that something “not right” was going to happen.

He doesn’t even have a job or a car right now

and to have to pay nearly 300 bucks for a kid that he hasn’t seen in two years

and to pay for one that he can’t even get a DNA test on because he signed the birth certificate.

I’m so disgusted, that I don’t know what the hell to do.

and I know exactly what happened.

He went in there, posted up like a gargoyle or some type of statue, and didn’t open his mouth about anything.

He said that he had a strategy.

He said that he had everything worked out.

And he went in there and pretty much got everything taken from him.

His manhood

His rights as a father

His rights as a parent.

His rights to see or talk to his child

He definitely lost.

He lost big and bad, too.

I can’t help but feeling like this is all his fault

I told him

I warned him.

I don’t understand why he takes things so lightly.

I even had a way for him to discuss his situation with a lawyer

He didn’t seem to think that was necessary.

Now, he has to pay quite a bit out of pocket, for a child out of state, that he can’t see or talk to.


I don’t know why, but my heart is broken all in my chest

I hate being right on things that I want to be wrong about.


Why can’t anything go right for me or the people that I am involved with?

Oh, and by the way, he has to have the first payment for child support by AUGUST 1ST.

In case you happened to not have a calender by, that’s NEXT THURSDAY.

I feel like I got shafted, and it’s not even my kid.

We’re not even married…yet.

So, doing the math, with the number that they gave him, he would have to pay $2,952 a year for his daughter.

My dad barely made that much when he was on disability.

That means that whatever job he gets, it’s going to have to cover that number, but the cost of his own personal living.

I am literally sick to my stomach right now.

I’m not a selfish person, by nature, but for some reason, it seems like all of this just happened to me

Like I am the one paying for it.

I am with him

We’re supposed to be getting married late next year.

How in the hell is this happening?


I am asking myself so many questions because I can’t ask him

He doesn’t want to talk.

I guess he is realizing how royally fucked up this is.


I’m about to take some Extra Strength Excedrin and lay down.

Don’t have the energy for anything else today

No, don’t have the energy for anything else this damn week.


To My Followers

I have always been a gracious person

I consider this blog to be a great outlook for me, and I appreciate all of YOU who have dedicated your time and resources to “following” along on the journey

I am working on writing on more topics, whether personal or wordly

I originally started this blog to speak on a number of different things, but since I picked it back up, I’ve been talking all about me!


I am a writer

and a photographer

and an artist

As well as a number of other creative things.


I am happy to be able to vent and vibe on this blog.

So, this is to my “followers.”

I appreciate the support, and please don’t hesitate to include your opinions and/or comments

Hopefully, we are all trying to grow on here.


Sometimes you Feel like a Nut

So the last post was random and a bit malicious on my part

I guess I didn’t have all of the information like that I originally thought

Apparently, I had planted information.


We did talk

I kept my composure

I resisted the urge to violently bash him in the head with a bat.

I secretly wondered why someone who go through all of these lengths to prove a point.



We had a LONG CONVERSATION about trust

He has some issues and I have some definite issues.

I guess it may not be the best thing to log into someone’s account, without their permission.

and I guess that someone would not leave incriminating evidence laying around when they know they gave you their passwords.

I am, however, going to keep the original post up.

It may help someone

Or it may be of some service to me down the line.


I have still decided to take some time out for myself

To reevaluate me as a person, and to look down into the depths of myself

I was surprised that the moment he saw me, he knew that something was wrong

He said that he sensed it in my eyes

and the fact that I kept grinning like the Joker was a dead give-away.


I hate the fact that my face gives away my emotions every time.

I am, however, glad that I have this blog to go to in my time of need

It saved me from a terribly bad situation tonight

I am happy that we were able to reach a mutual agreement, without the threat of violence (on my end).


I guess the old saying is right:


Everything that glitters isn’t gold.


Well I would be a liar if I said that other things were not done during the time that we spent together

Things were said and things were done…a lot of things were done

Eh, what can I say?

I’m a sucker for love.

I get a thrill out of knowing that someone loves me,  other than those who are “supposed” to love me.

It’s an interesting feeling.

I guess all I can do is just go with it, and follow my best instincts.

It’s truly my favorite aspect of being a woman.

That, among other handy things…

What Have We Here?

I literally discovered myself through my relationships

I have not been in many, but they both taught me some very valuable lessons.


Never let you guard down

Never assume something is good

Never take for granted the competition

Never forget that there is competition

Never unnecessarily blame someone else

Always get the facts

Always have the evidence

Always state the case

Always follow through with the threat of consequences.

(maybe that last one is a bit much, but I do mean reasonable consequences)


I am sharing this because I know what I am about to do

I know what I just experienced

I know that it was real

I know that I have all of the proof that I need to seek out my own “vigilante” justice

I know that the only thing keeping me in line is this blog

The fact that I am writing these words imply that I still hold a sane amount of common sense

For how long, I do not know.


I got into an argument with my “boyfriend.”

I asked for a bit of space

Nothing major

Just to sort everything out

Never meant for it to be a forever situation

I remember saying here that I have never loved another man romantically like I love him.


Just on a hunch, I decided to check his email

I am allowed access due to personal and business reasons, and the fact that he entrusted me to his passwords due to the fact that he had “nothing to hide.”


I discovered that he has been having correspondence between a young woman on Twitter.

Well I’m being nice

She’s really a dinosaur-faced chick, with no self-esteem or self-worth

I couldn’t get his side of the conversation

The email account only picked up what she was saying.

And that stuff was raunchier and steamier than a Zane novel.

And I know steamy.


She basically described a recent (I can tell) sexual experience with the man who said he wanted to marry me and be with me for the rest of my life

Now, normally, I am able to better compose myself when discovering new and interesting facts

I analyze what it could mean

I debate on whether or not to take action to what I have found

I struggle with the part of me that still believes that there is good in everyone


These are the facts, ladies and gentlemen:


A woman is sending my boyfriend explicit messages.

She is describing a sexual experience that she has had with him presently

She is speaking based on familiarity, which implies that she has a past with him

She is calling him “pet” names like “bae” and “baby” and “babe”

She is describing certain aspects of his living arrangements, which means she has been to his house

She knows certain present things about him that no one would know unless they have an intimate relationship with said person

She said that she loved him TOO, indicating that he was the first one to say those three words to her.


So, there’s the spread.

Those are the facts.


My first reaction is hurt and disgust

And then anger beyond the likes of which I have never felt.

My whole plan is to go over to his house and demand answers

I think that slight violence on my end may be involved because all I can think about is getting a bat and bashing his head in

I think about the utter betrayal and disrespect

All of the lies that I have been told

All of the things done to keep me dumbed down to what was happening.

I think about these things, and I gotta say, I fell for it

I was led to believe that I was the one

The only one

That I was the one who held importance

But now I see that it doesn’t take much to tell someone what you think they want to hear.


I can promise this.

I will never again play the fool.

I know the game and all of the rules

Maybe true monogamy is dead

Maybe human kind is not meant to be betrothed to one person all of their lives

Maybe there is no such occurrence as “soul-mates.”

Something simply made up in the Romantic era and Hollywood movies.

I will seek out the answers that I deserve and need, and close this chapter in my life

I am actually glad to discover this

It gives me more vigor to want to be my own person and live my own life, as intended

Single, if need be.

Although writing this is calming me beyond my original expectations, I cannot promise that I will not react violently when faced with him.

I grew up in a family full of strong-minded women, who didn’t take disrespect from anyone

It’s hard for me to separate what I should do, and what I should leave alone

But I know that I am determined to make something positive out of this, for I believe that everything is a sign

and everything moves like water, in concurrent with some grander plan.


The internet has certainly become a tool for finding out the real truth behind the mask that people portray

At least with me, you know that you are getting the real deal.

Btw, this is the girl that was writing him

I looked it up on Twitter, just to be sure

I have no beef with her

I can be assured that she knew nothing of me, and I don’t think that attacking her means anything

HE knows me, and our relationship



It is what it is.

I am a stronger and better person because of this experience

I am sure, for my troubles, the right one or ONES will find their way into my life

Until then, I will continue to learn myself

and learn my ways

and what works for me.

That is all any of us can really do.

Real Life Glengarry, Glen Ross?

I have been searching for a job for months

It feels like a lifetime.

I was so complacent going to school full-time

I was so sure that earning a degree would secure me a spot in the Real World job force

So far, it has been like an interactive game.

I pride myself on being able to get down to the nitty-gritty when concerning issues.

I always review things before I invest in them

I always check for the opinions of others who have gone through the experience

I try not to do anything half-assed, or on an impulsive whim.

Why did today have to be the day that I deviated from that?

I went to an interview THIRTY MINUTES from my house.

I got all dressed up, printed up fresh resumes, and was ready to tackle the world.

I was confident, and well-spoken.

I drove all the way out in the middle of nowhere

The office was behind another big building

That probably should have been my first indication that this interview was going to be a joke.

I go in and immediately get called to the back where I spoke with the “State Director.”

He seemed like a guy who had “too little time” for “too many reasons.

I had not done any prior research on the company before coming in

So unlike me.

I have been sending in so many applications to so many companies, that half of the time, I lose track of what I’m doing.

So I had no idea what I was walking into, or what kind of service I would be slated to perform.

After the “1st interview,” I walk into a room with 12 other people and hear the pitch of a lifetime

A  job where you “sell” life insurance to union members.

You never “sell” to the general public (or so they said).

The company is called American Income Life, or AIL for short

They had this laptop presentation detailing all of the “benefits” of the company

I sat there and took notes and soaked it all in.

It sounded like a dream job.

You are trained to become a manager

They had people who were making at least $1,000,000 in annual revenue

Those numbers sound amazing

But then, I started to think about the actual reality of the job

And if they had a lot of people making that type of money, then what would be the value of the business?

They were selling us pipe dreams, telling us that one of their biggest stock investors is Warren Buffet

They even said how THEIR stock was his most FAVORITE stock, and the one he had made the most money off of.

It all sounded so phony and unreal to me after a while.

Then the guy giving the presentation with the fiery personality and the charm and humor of a playboy said that we would have to pay OUT OF POCKET expenses: $100 for the temporary insurance-selling license and $50 for some course that was required for the job (I found out later that it was WAY more than that).

After this grand and short announcement, a woman gets up in the middle of the presentation and walks out

That should have been a sign to me

I should have gotten up and walked out with her.


There was an eager African American girl sitting next to me, excited to jump into anything that meant a paycheck and an opportunity to work.

I agreed to take on the challenge, but when I got home, I did some real soul searching

I checked into the facts surrounding the company

I wanted to know what past and present employees thought about the company’s business.

I was so shocked to discover what I NEARLY walked into

This is where I saw all  of the reviews:

The Hell That is American Income Life 

(my own snazzy title)

This place tried to Glengarry, Glen Ross me!

If you have never seen that movie, get on Netflix right away and get your life!

I can’t believe that companies still exist like that.

All they set out to do is deceive and cheat honest, tax-paying citizens

It makes me sick that they could take advantage of desperate people who are looking for jobs

It’s nothing but a cleverly veiled pyramid scheme.

Well I have truly learned my lesson from this.

I will not be attending another interview without prior and proper background checks on the company.



The nerve!

When Can I Ever be Wrong?

When I was younger, I used to pride myself on knowing people

I considered myself to be a pretty decent judge of character

That was back then

This is now.

I feel like I just lost the love of my life.

Maybe because I did…

I realize that some things and some people just have to be let go

No matter how much you love it

or what it’s done for you

and how much you long for it

Some things just have to be let go.

I am just learning that the guy that I have loved for the last two years is going downhill

His drinking has gotten out of control

And I don’t know what I can do about it

Since he moved in with his friend, he has taken a turn for the worst.

Drinking and smoking weed

and doing ignorant, immature, childish things.

I can’t help someone who doesn’t realize that they are in need of help

I have tried to understand

I have tried to listen, though he hasn’t been talking much

I have tried to encourage him

and love him

I have loved this man like a champ


I have loved him like it was the last, great important thing that I would ever do

and I have been constantly let down.


I’m so frustrated with the way life works

I would be allowed to find the true love of my life

Someone who loves me and wants to be everything that I want and need

Someone who takes my breath away, and gives me butterflies every time I see him

But he is an alcoholic

And I can’t be an enabler.

He asked me for just one loose beer

All it cost was a dollar.

Wouldn’t have hurt my pockets

But I couldn’t

I couldn’t bring myself to engage in his self-destruction

I was on my way to see him

I was going to get the ice cream that he liked

and make him some ice-cream cones

I thought that would cheer him up

And make him a little happy

at least

But the only thing he wanted was beer.

He wanted the beer, that was only a dollar.

That was it.

I refused.

He told me that he didn’t want to see me without the beer

and hung up the phone in my face.

I can’t remember the last time I was that devastated.

I could feel my heart breaking in my chest.

He sounded like a wino; a common addict

He didn’t sound like the man that I loved; the man that I had adored

He sounded like an addicted stranger

Broke my heart in a million pieces.

He keeps calling

asking to see me

But I know what he wants

He only wants to drink.

My mother said that if he doesn’t want to get help or get better, then I should just cut my losses

and move on with my life.

But how the hell do I do that?

I worry about him all the time

I pray for him way more than I do myself

I think about him all the time.

I wish for his happiness and contentment.

I want things to go well for him.

But I can’t be subject to that type of behavior.

He is so brilliant, and bright and smart.

He is just throwing  his life away.

This has been an awful day.

Some things I wish I could be wrong about.

I wish that I could be wrong just once.

But now that I’ve matured and have had experiences, I am a lot wiser.

I wanted to be wrong today.