When I was younger, I used to pride myself on knowing people
I considered myself to be a pretty decent judge of character
That was back then
This is now.
I feel like I just lost the love of my life.
Maybe because I did…
I realize that some things and some people just have to be let go
No matter how much you love it
or what it’s done for you
and how much you long for it
Some things just have to be let go.
I am just learning that the guy that I have loved for the last two years is going downhill
His drinking has gotten out of control
And I don’t know what I can do about it
Since he moved in with his friend, he has taken a turn for the worst.
Drinking and smoking weed
and doing ignorant, immature, childish things.
I can’t help someone who doesn’t realize that they are in need of help
I have tried to understand
I have tried to listen, though he hasn’t been talking much
I have tried to encourage him
and love him
I have loved this man like a champ
Seriously
I have loved him like it was the last, great important thing that I would ever do
and I have been constantly let down.
Damn.
I’m so frustrated with the way life works
I would be allowed to find the true love of my life
Someone who loves me and wants to be everything that I want and need
Someone who takes my breath away, and gives me butterflies every time I see him
But he is an alcoholic
And I can’t be an enabler.
He asked me for just one loose beer
All it cost was a dollar.
Wouldn’t have hurt my pockets
But I couldn’t
I couldn’t bring myself to engage in his self-destruction
I was on my way to see him
I was going to get the ice cream that he liked
and make him some ice-cream cones
I thought that would cheer him up
And make him a little happy
at least
But the only thing he wanted was beer.
He wanted the beer, that was only a dollar.
That was it.
I refused.
He told me that he didn’t want to see me without the beer
and hung up the phone in my face.
I can’t remember the last time I was that devastated.
I could feel my heart breaking in my chest.
He sounded like a wino; a common addict
He didn’t sound like the man that I loved; the man that I had adored
He sounded like an addicted stranger
Broke my heart in a million pieces.
He keeps calling
asking to see me
But I know what he wants
He only wants to drink.
My mother said that if he doesn’t want to get help or get better, then I should just cut my losses
and move on with my life.
But how the hell do I do that?
I worry about him all the time
I pray for him way more than I do myself
I think about him all the time.
I wish for his happiness and contentment.
I want things to go well for him.
But I can’t be subject to that type of behavior.
He is so brilliant, and bright and smart.
He is just throwing his life away.
This has been an awful day.
Some things I wish I could be wrong about.
I wish that I could be wrong just once.
But now that I’ve matured and have had experiences, I am a lot wiser.
I wanted to be wrong today.
Smh…
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