“I’m His Girlfriend”

I have had my fair share of heartbreaks
Well, my huge share of heartbreaks.

As I got older, I believed that it was a way of life
EVERYONE gets their heart broken
It’s the way that things work in the universe.

I believed that only after my first huge heartbreak
and then my father passed away
and then my grandmother passed away
and then it seemed necessary to believe.

Today sucked the remainder of my heart through a tube and crushed it.
I don’t think that I have any heart left, to be honest.
I feel it beating.
I’m sure that it’s physically okay
I assume so since I am still physically okay.
But it emotionally, spiritually, and metaphorically erupted into a million pieces.

Today I discovered that someone I have loved with my entire being and soul and heart
Someone who I had plans to marry one day.
Someone who I envisioned spending the rest of my life with.
Someone who I laid next to, and shared secrets with
Someone who I cried in front on, and someone who felt comfortable enough to cry on my shoulder
Someone who I introduced to my family, and doted on
Someone who I felt complete with.
That someone cheated on me.

I met the girl he cheated on me with
And she wasn’t someone to dislike
She looked like we could have been friends in another life
She was nice!
She was there and I was there.
I didn’t know immediately who she was.
It was me, he and she.
And when she was leaving, she brushed past him and didn’t look him in the eye
I knew then.
The air in my throat seemed to thin out
My chest seemed to tighten up.
I ran after the mysterious girl to find out her relationship to my special person, my heart, my soulmate, my fiance’.
She told me that she had been talking to him for months.
She spent the night with him a few times
And had had sexual relations with him.
In the same room and the same bed that we had been in.
She had loads of messages on her phone from their correspondence.
She was distraught.
And regretful for doing that to me.
She actually apologized!
She apologized like she knew about me
She apologized as if it was intentional.
She told me that she had seen pictures of me and him together and that he said that I was his “best friend who took pictures of him.”
In the end, that’s all I was.
Best friend picture girl.
As I saw the tears streaming down her face, I strained to hold my own in.
I felt bad for her, and upset at the same time.
How could I have missed this?
How could I have been so trusting?
How could I not have known about her?
How could this have happened right under my nose?
My only advice to her was not to let him hold her back
and to find a true love of her own.
I told her to never show weakness in front of anyone, and to never let someone see her cry.
I told her these words, as I was struggling to hold the pieces of myself together.
like Humpty-Dumpty.
I was near a church.
I felt that I should have some level of respect.
I saw her face.
She believed that she was his girlfriend.
I read the messages.
He told her that she was his soul.
He actually told her all the things that he had been telling me.
He told her his life story, and many of his secrets.
He shared his mind and his body with her.
She knew him!
He went to her house with her family!
She knew him!

I wish that I can say that I got into my car and left.
But I didn’t.
I faced him and asked the hard questions.
I cut the buck, and went insane.
I turned into the person that I had been fighting so hard to not be.
And he took me there.
I felt myself blacking out.
I have never been that angry, and still the sun rays were glaring through the window
and was warm on my face..
I didn’t cry.
I was too hurt and upset to cry.
He looked at me, not saying much.
He looked at me like I had just stumbled over his dirty laundry.

I left.
I left and didn’t turn back
and now he’s texting to meet up with me tomorrow
he said that he never did anything
he said that he didn’t cheat, because we had been having so many ups and downs.
He said that he did it to protect himself
Who was protecting me?
My father was gone, so who was going to protect me?
Who was going to have my back?
Who was going to love me unconditionally?
Who was going to NOT disappoint me?

I wonder if anyone will ever love me again.
I wonder if any man will compare to my father.
What it is about me that men feel the need to trick, deceive and lie to me?

I was a fool.
I thought that I was the only one because he said that I was the only one.
He tells me he loves me all day everyday, and I overlooked the obvious thing in front of me.
I overlooked the fact that I was sharing a man that I loved with another.

I seem to have a habit of doing that.
I have always had to share…


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