Sometimes you Feel like a Nut

So the last post was random and a bit malicious on my part

I guess I didn’t have all of the information like that I originally thought

Apparently, I had planted information.

 

We did talk

I kept my composure

I resisted the urge to violently bash him in the head with a bat.

I secretly wondered why someone who go through all of these lengths to prove a point.

 

 

We had a LONG CONVERSATION about trust

He has some issues and I have some definite issues.

I guess it may not be the best thing to log into someone’s account, without their permission.

and I guess that someone would not leave incriminating evidence laying around when they know they gave you their passwords.

I am, however, going to keep the original post up.

It may help someone

Or it may be of some service to me down the line.

 

I have still decided to take some time out for myself

To reevaluate me as a person, and to look down into the depths of myself

I was surprised that the moment he saw me, he knew that something was wrong

He said that he sensed it in my eyes

and the fact that I kept grinning like the Joker was a dead give-away.

Ugh

I hate the fact that my face gives away my emotions every time.

I am, however, glad that I have this blog to go to in my time of need

It saved me from a terribly bad situation tonight

I am happy that we were able to reach a mutual agreement, without the threat of violence (on my end).

 

I guess the old saying is right:

 

Everything that glitters isn’t gold.

 

Well I would be a liar if I said that other things were not done during the time that we spent together

Things were said and things were done…a lot of things were done

Eh, what can I say?

I’m a sucker for love.

I get a thrill out of knowing that someone loves me,  other than those who are “supposed” to love me.

It’s an interesting feeling.

I guess all I can do is just go with it, and follow my best instincts.

It’s truly my favorite aspect of being a woman.

That, among other handy things…

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What Have We Here?

I literally discovered myself through my relationships

I have not been in many, but they both taught me some very valuable lessons.

 

Never let you guard down

Never assume something is good

Never take for granted the competition

Never forget that there is competition

Never unnecessarily blame someone else

Always get the facts

Always have the evidence

Always state the case

Always follow through with the threat of consequences.

(maybe that last one is a bit much, but I do mean reasonable consequences)

 

I am sharing this because I know what I am about to do

I know what I just experienced

I know that it was real

I know that I have all of the proof that I need to seek out my own “vigilante” justice

I know that the only thing keeping me in line is this blog

The fact that I am writing these words imply that I still hold a sane amount of common sense

For how long, I do not know.

 

I got into an argument with my “boyfriend.”

I asked for a bit of space

Nothing major

Just to sort everything out

Never meant for it to be a forever situation

I remember saying here that I have never loved another man romantically like I love him.

 

Just on a hunch, I decided to check his email

I am allowed access due to personal and business reasons, and the fact that he entrusted me to his passwords due to the fact that he had “nothing to hide.”

Interesting.

I discovered that he has been having correspondence between a young woman on Twitter.

Well I’m being nice

She’s really a dinosaur-faced chick, with no self-esteem or self-worth

I couldn’t get his side of the conversation

The email account only picked up what she was saying.

And that stuff was raunchier and steamier than a Zane novel.

And I know steamy.

 

She basically described a recent (I can tell) sexual experience with the man who said he wanted to marry me and be with me for the rest of my life

Now, normally, I am able to better compose myself when discovering new and interesting facts

I analyze what it could mean

I debate on whether or not to take action to what I have found

I struggle with the part of me that still believes that there is good in everyone

 

These are the facts, ladies and gentlemen:

 

A woman is sending my boyfriend explicit messages.

She is describing a sexual experience that she has had with him presently

She is speaking based on familiarity, which implies that she has a past with him

She is calling him “pet” names like “bae” and “baby” and “babe”

She is describing certain aspects of his living arrangements, which means she has been to his house

She knows certain present things about him that no one would know unless they have an intimate relationship with said person

She said that she loved him TOO, indicating that he was the first one to say those three words to her.

 

So, there’s the spread.

Those are the facts.

 

My first reaction is hurt and disgust

And then anger beyond the likes of which I have never felt.

My whole plan is to go over to his house and demand answers

I think that slight violence on my end may be involved because all I can think about is getting a bat and bashing his head in

I think about the utter betrayal and disrespect

All of the lies that I have been told

All of the things done to keep me dumbed down to what was happening.

I think about these things, and I gotta say, I fell for it

I was led to believe that I was the one

The only one

That I was the one who held importance

But now I see that it doesn’t take much to tell someone what you think they want to hear.

 

I can promise this.

I will never again play the fool.

I know the game and all of the rules

Maybe true monogamy is dead

Maybe human kind is not meant to be betrothed to one person all of their lives

Maybe there is no such occurrence as “soul-mates.”

Something simply made up in the Romantic era and Hollywood movies.

I will seek out the answers that I deserve and need, and close this chapter in my life

I am actually glad to discover this

It gives me more vigor to want to be my own person and live my own life, as intended

Single, if need be.

Although writing this is calming me beyond my original expectations, I cannot promise that I will not react violently when faced with him.

I grew up in a family full of strong-minded women, who didn’t take disrespect from anyone

It’s hard for me to separate what I should do, and what I should leave alone

But I know that I am determined to make something positive out of this, for I believe that everything is a sign

and everything moves like water, in concurrent with some grander plan.

 

The internet has certainly become a tool for finding out the real truth behind the mask that people portray

At least with me, you know that you are getting the real deal.

Btw, this is the girl that was writing him

I looked it up on Twitter, just to be sure

I have no beef with her

I can be assured that she knew nothing of me, and I don’t think that attacking her means anything

HE knows me, and our relationship

dinosaurfacegirl

 

It is what it is.

I am a stronger and better person because of this experience

I am sure, for my troubles, the right one or ONES will find their way into my life

Until then, I will continue to learn myself

and learn my ways

and what works for me.

That is all any of us can really do.

Real Life Glengarry, Glen Ross?

I have been searching for a job for months

It feels like a lifetime.

I was so complacent going to school full-time

I was so sure that earning a degree would secure me a spot in the Real World job force

So far, it has been like an interactive game.

I pride myself on being able to get down to the nitty-gritty when concerning issues.

I always review things before I invest in them

I always check for the opinions of others who have gone through the experience

I try not to do anything half-assed, or on an impulsive whim.

Why did today have to be the day that I deviated from that?

I went to an interview THIRTY MINUTES from my house.

I got all dressed up, printed up fresh resumes, and was ready to tackle the world.

I was confident, and well-spoken.

I drove all the way out in the middle of nowhere

The office was behind another big building

That probably should have been my first indication that this interview was going to be a joke.

I go in and immediately get called to the back where I spoke with the “State Director.”

He seemed like a guy who had “too little time” for “too many reasons.

I had not done any prior research on the company before coming in

So unlike me.

I have been sending in so many applications to so many companies, that half of the time, I lose track of what I’m doing.

So I had no idea what I was walking into, or what kind of service I would be slated to perform.

After the “1st interview,” I walk into a room with 12 other people and hear the pitch of a lifetime

A  job where you “sell” life insurance to union members.

You never “sell” to the general public (or so they said).

The company is called American Income Life, or AIL for short

They had this laptop presentation detailing all of the “benefits” of the company

I sat there and took notes and soaked it all in.

It sounded like a dream job.

You are trained to become a manager

They had people who were making at least $1,000,000 in annual revenue

Those numbers sound amazing

But then, I started to think about the actual reality of the job

And if they had a lot of people making that type of money, then what would be the value of the business?

They were selling us pipe dreams, telling us that one of their biggest stock investors is Warren Buffet

They even said how THEIR stock was his most FAVORITE stock, and the one he had made the most money off of.

It all sounded so phony and unreal to me after a while.

Then the guy giving the presentation with the fiery personality and the charm and humor of a playboy said that we would have to pay OUT OF POCKET expenses: $100 for the temporary insurance-selling license and $50 for some course that was required for the job (I found out later that it was WAY more than that).

After this grand and short announcement, a woman gets up in the middle of the presentation and walks out

That should have been a sign to me

I should have gotten up and walked out with her.

 

There was an eager African American girl sitting next to me, excited to jump into anything that meant a paycheck and an opportunity to work.

I agreed to take on the challenge, but when I got home, I did some real soul searching

I checked into the facts surrounding the company

I wanted to know what past and present employees thought about the company’s business.

I was so shocked to discover what I NEARLY walked into

This is where I saw all  of the reviews:

The Hell That is American Income Life 

(my own snazzy title)

This place tried to Glengarry, Glen Ross me!

If you have never seen that movie, get on Netflix right away and get your life!

I can’t believe that companies still exist like that.

All they set out to do is deceive and cheat honest, tax-paying citizens

It makes me sick that they could take advantage of desperate people who are looking for jobs

It’s nothing but a cleverly veiled pyramid scheme.

Well I have truly learned my lesson from this.

I will not be attending another interview without prior and proper background checks on the company.

 

 

The nerve!

When Can I Ever be Wrong?

When I was younger, I used to pride myself on knowing people

I considered myself to be a pretty decent judge of character

That was back then

This is now.

I feel like I just lost the love of my life.

Maybe because I did…

I realize that some things and some people just have to be let go

No matter how much you love it

or what it’s done for you

and how much you long for it

Some things just have to be let go.

I am just learning that the guy that I have loved for the last two years is going downhill

His drinking has gotten out of control

And I don’t know what I can do about it

Since he moved in with his friend, he has taken a turn for the worst.

Drinking and smoking weed

and doing ignorant, immature, childish things.

I can’t help someone who doesn’t realize that they are in need of help

I have tried to understand

I have tried to listen, though he hasn’t been talking much

I have tried to encourage him

and love him

I have loved this man like a champ

Seriously

I have loved him like it was the last, great important thing that I would ever do

and I have been constantly let down.

Damn.

I’m so frustrated with the way life works

I would be allowed to find the true love of my life

Someone who loves me and wants to be everything that I want and need

Someone who takes my breath away, and gives me butterflies every time I see him

But he is an alcoholic

And I can’t be an enabler.

He asked me for just one loose beer

All it cost was a dollar.

Wouldn’t have hurt my pockets

But I couldn’t

I couldn’t bring myself to engage in his self-destruction

I was on my way to see him

I was going to get the ice cream that he liked

and make him some ice-cream cones

I thought that would cheer him up

And make him a little happy

at least

But the only thing he wanted was beer.

He wanted the beer, that was only a dollar.

That was it.

I refused.

He told me that he didn’t want to see me without the beer

and hung up the phone in my face.

I can’t remember the last time I was that devastated.

I could feel my heart breaking in my chest.

He sounded like a wino; a common addict

He didn’t sound like the man that I loved; the man that I had adored

He sounded like an addicted stranger

Broke my heart in a million pieces.

He keeps calling

asking to see me

But I know what he wants

He only wants to drink.

My mother said that if he doesn’t want to get help or get better, then I should just cut my losses

and move on with my life.

But how the hell do I do that?

I worry about him all the time

I pray for him way more than I do myself

I think about him all the time.

I wish for his happiness and contentment.

I want things to go well for him.

But I can’t be subject to that type of behavior.

He is so brilliant, and bright and smart.

He is just throwing  his life away.

This has been an awful day.

Some things I wish I could be wrong about.

I wish that I could be wrong just once.

But now that I’ve matured and have had experiences, I am a lot wiser.

I wanted to be wrong today.

Smh…

Thumbtack..and things of that Nature

My Thumbtack Photography page

This is a link to my Thumbtack page, based on my Photography.
I am including this link in order to boost my clientele, and hopefully get some great credits from Thumbtack.
If you want, you are welcome to checking it out.

I don’t if I have mentioned this or not, but I am a photographer
And a damn good one at that.
Check it out.
Also, check out my Facebook photography page: My Facebook Photography Page
It’s all cool…and stuff
But honestly, I love the input and the criticism (kinda)

 

Solo Dolo?

It has recently occurred to me that everyone that I have ever taken an interest in has had more baggage than an airport.
That’s a huge task for me; someone who prides themselves on being able to “fix” things that are broken.
I think that I have just outgrown the appeal to “broken” people
I always find myself caught up in the mystery and intrigue of the “black sheep.”
they’re cool
they’re bipolar (always)
they’re fun and experienced
they know what they want, but no way of how to get it
they’re impulsive, and move like water
they’re strange and mysterious
they’re usually sexy (and you can never tell why they are but they are).

Since I came into the age where people were attractive, I have always gravitated towards the strangest of people
THE OUTCASTS.
I guess I always felt like I was like them.
But I don’t know if that is enough to drive a relationship

This guy
The lion-faced boy
I have talked to him for two years
The attraction was immediate
The conversation was amazing
The interest was there on both sides
The chemistry was off the charts
Everything about him is a complement to me
Well, almost everything
He’s 31.
I’m 24.
He has not accomplished anything great in his life
He has simply lived and made mistakes
A WHOLE LOT OF MISTAKES
I mean, I believe that he thrives on making mistakes like a car drives on gas
He has chosen the wrong path so many times in his life
and now here he is, at 31
with one four-year old daughter who lives hundreds of miles out of state
He doesn’t have a job or a car right now
Actually I have never seen him behind the wheel of a car
He doesn’t really have a lot going for him
But still I’m grossly infatuated
Sighs

But lately, it has been making me feel “unclean.”
Like maybe I am facilitating his down-ward behavior
Or maybe I am simply trying to stay in the jungle gym of the thing that is his life
I love him
More than I have ever loved any other man besides my father
But he has disappointed me and let me down, SO MANY TIMES
The good thing is he is in school, pursuing a degree in Graphic Design
But even that is not enough to make me think that he is on his way to greater things in life
Maybe I should have checked this out in June 2011, when I first started talking to him
Maybe I should have checked the Carfax or something

My fear is that I will end up like him
that I will be 30 years old, and would have done nothing significant or have nothing of significance that is my own
I am so afraid of that
I love him, but I don’t want the life that he has had
I don’t admire it at all
I want to be in charge of my destiny, and always take advantage of my GOOD opportunities
It just angers me that he continues to live the life that he does, and tell me that he hates the life.
That is such an oxymoron!

Well I am at my wits’ end
I have been waiting for him to change around, and to make the best decisions, but he keeps coming up short
He comes up short, and expects for me to understand
and stay
But the longer I stay, the more I feel like I’m playing the fool.

I sincerely believe that we need time apart to figure things out with our individual selves
He already lives a pretty “single” lifestyle
He lives with some of his guy friends, and all he does is bug out with them
I just think that this is the time to concentrate on me
I need for me to be a better me
Maybe that’s selfish, but I want more for me than anyone in this world wants for me
And I feel like I am on my way to getting it.

So maybe being solo dolo isn’t the worse thing right now…

To the Job Force and Beyond…

So, I graduated December 15th, 2012.
It was one of the happiest days of my life…at the time
I had been in college for six years, following the sudden deaths of my father and grandmother.
And I finally made it out…alive
I took on 18 hours, all at the 400-level, in order to graduate in December 2012.

I literally worked my whole ass off.
And I made it to the other side
The side where only a small percentage of people actually end up.
I was on the right side of the statistics
I had achieved my greatest feat, which was graduating from a four-year accredited institution.

And then I dived head-first into the job force,
Boy, oh, boy!
What a disappointment it has been!
It feels like I’m competing with every Tom, Dick, Harry, Jamal, Tyrone, Sue and Sharon out there
And I’m getting nowhere
Slowly.
I never imagined that it would be this hard to find a job, with a college degree.
I thought, surely this was my “get a job” free card!
Just the naivety in me, I guess.
But it has not been free
or easy
or simple.
It’s been tiring
and frustrating
and exhausting.

I have been moved practically to tears.
It’s like my best friend says: “People would rather pay less for the Kia then to splurge on the better, far-more advanced Ferrari.”
I’m the damn Ferrari!
So why do I keep losing to the Kia?
Why am I having to compete so fiercely with persons who only have a High School or GED education?
Not that that’s a bad thing
I’m just saying.

Who do I got to make feel good in order to get a freaking job?!

At one point, I was even considering being a phone sex operator
YOU HEARD RIGHT.
I was just that desperate.
Now I’m thinking it’s not the worse idea in the world.
I heard those women get paid rather well to huff and puff and fantasize on the phone.

Shrugs.

I am beginning to think that this is all an illusion
Maybe I am imagining this point in my life
Maybe this is all just in my mind
and I’m over-exaggerating (as usual)
I’m thinking that one day soon I’ll just wake up from this terrible nightmare.
And then a day will pass
and another day will pass
with no positive results.

I stayed up all night filling out online job applications
to no avail.
I kept keeping rejection letters dressed up as okie-doke understandings.
I got a lot of “We support you in your future endeavors,” and “We’ll keep your resume in mind for other jobs that might fit,” or simply “We have another candidate in mind who qualifications and experiences match the position needed.”
Sigh.
I am beginning to think that I have to be a lot of things BESIDES a college graduate
I have to be a lot of things OTHER than being educated and hard-working.

I literally have to be a superhuman with incomparable abilities.
I don’t know if I’m that…