I literally discovered myself through my relationships
I have not been in many, but they both taught me some very valuable lessons.
Never let you guard down
Never assume something is good
Never take for granted the competition
Never forget that there is competition
Never unnecessarily blame someone else
Always get the facts
Always have the evidence
Always state the case
Always follow through with the threat of consequences.
(maybe that last one is a bit much, but I do mean reasonable consequences)
I am sharing this because I know what I am about to do
I know what I just experienced
I know that it was real
I know that I have all of the proof that I need to seek out my own “vigilante” justice
I know that the only thing keeping me in line is this blog
The fact that I am writing these words imply that I still hold a sane amount of common sense
For how long, I do not know.
I got into an argument with my “boyfriend.”
I asked for a bit of space
Just to sort everything out
Never meant for it to be a forever situation
I remember saying here that I have never loved another man romantically like I love him.
Just on a hunch, I decided to check his email
I am allowed access due to personal and business reasons, and the fact that he entrusted me to his passwords due to the fact that he had “nothing to hide.”
I discovered that he has been having correspondence between a young woman on Twitter.
Well I’m being nice
She’s really a dinosaur-faced chick, with no self-esteem or self-worth
I couldn’t get his side of the conversation
The email account only picked up what she was saying.
And that stuff was raunchier and steamier than a Zane novel.
And I know steamy.
She basically described a recent (I can tell) sexual experience with the man who said he wanted to marry me and be with me for the rest of my life
Now, normally, I am able to better compose myself when discovering new and interesting facts
I analyze what it could mean
I debate on whether or not to take action to what I have found
I struggle with the part of me that still believes that there is good in everyone
These are the facts, ladies and gentlemen:
A woman is sending my boyfriend explicit messages.
She is describing a sexual experience that she has had with him presently
She is speaking based on familiarity, which implies that she has a past with him
She is calling him “pet” names like “bae” and “baby” and “babe”
She is describing certain aspects of his living arrangements, which means she has been to his house
She knows certain present things about him that no one would know unless they have an intimate relationship with said person
She said that she loved him TOO, indicating that he was the first one to say those three words to her.
So, there’s the spread.
Those are the facts.
My first reaction is hurt and disgust
And then anger beyond the likes of which I have never felt.
My whole plan is to go over to his house and demand answers
I think that slight violence on my end may be involved because all I can think about is getting a bat and bashing his head in
I think about the utter betrayal and disrespect
All of the lies that I have been told
All of the things done to keep me dumbed down to what was happening.
I think about these things, and I gotta say, I fell for it
I was led to believe that I was the one
The only one
That I was the one who held importance
But now I see that it doesn’t take much to tell someone what you think they want to hear.
I can promise this.
I will never again play the fool.
I know the game and all of the rules
Maybe true monogamy is dead
Maybe human kind is not meant to be betrothed to one person all of their lives
Maybe there is no such occurrence as “soul-mates.”
Something simply made up in the Romantic era and Hollywood movies.
I will seek out the answers that I deserve and need, and close this chapter in my life
I am actually glad to discover this
It gives me more vigor to want to be my own person and live my own life, as intended
Single, if need be.
Although writing this is calming me beyond my original expectations, I cannot promise that I will not react violently when faced with him.
I grew up in a family full of strong-minded women, who didn’t take disrespect from anyone
It’s hard for me to separate what I should do, and what I should leave alone
But I know that I am determined to make something positive out of this, for I believe that everything is a sign
and everything moves like water, in concurrent with some grander plan.
The internet has certainly become a tool for finding out the real truth behind the mask that people portray
At least with me, you know that you are getting the real deal.
Btw, this is the girl that was writing him
I looked it up on Twitter, just to be sure
I have no beef with her
I can be assured that she knew nothing of me, and I don’t think that attacking her means anything
HE knows me, and our relationship
It is what it is.
I am a stronger and better person because of this experience
I am sure, for my troubles, the right one or ONES will find their way into my life
Until then, I will continue to learn myself
and learn my ways
and what works for me.
That is all any of us can really do.