Holding Back the Years

Now, I’m beginning to fear.
This is really starting to take a turn for the worst.
Why can’t life be like the movies?
Fairy tales make love look and feel so simple
and it’s just not that way.

I feel like I’m drowning in emotions and feelings
I can barely breathe
This is an all-consuming monster, sucking the very life out of me.

I don’t think that I can continue to go on with him.
We have not been together in over two weeks, and things have just gotten more and more complicated.
We were supposed to be working on getting along, and trusting each other.
Now, I feel as if this experiment was all in vain.
I am getting to the point where I don’t care, and when I get there, it’s hard for me to obtain any understanding.

I don’t know why people try to justify being in a bad situation
especially when you don’t have to damn be in it.
I do not feel like I should allow myself to be without…anything necessary.
Why should I?
There are so many opportunities in the world, and to just pass them by for a fleeting feeling I feel is ridiculous.
Why should I settle?

I see the way that I feel now
And I put that with the way that I was feeling before
and they don’t match up.
Could it be that I am falling out of love with him with each passing day?
Or could it be that I just don’t have to desire to keep pursuing his understanding?
I just can’t tell right now.

He was gone all weekend long in Atlanta.
He got back last night, and it barely phased me
I was upset about a few things, but I am becoming used to being disappointed.
Maybe that is a horrible thing to feel and say

I’m just about over it.
To be honest, I have been just about over it for a while now.

What Have We Here?

I literally discovered myself through my relationships

I have not been in many, but they both taught me some very valuable lessons.

 

Never let you guard down

Never assume something is good

Never take for granted the competition

Never forget that there is competition

Never unnecessarily blame someone else

Always get the facts

Always have the evidence

Always state the case

Always follow through with the threat of consequences.

(maybe that last one is a bit much, but I do mean reasonable consequences)

 

I am sharing this because I know what I am about to do

I know what I just experienced

I know that it was real

I know that I have all of the proof that I need to seek out my own “vigilante” justice

I know that the only thing keeping me in line is this blog

The fact that I am writing these words imply that I still hold a sane amount of common sense

For how long, I do not know.

 

I got into an argument with my “boyfriend.”

I asked for a bit of space

Nothing major

Just to sort everything out

Never meant for it to be a forever situation

I remember saying here that I have never loved another man romantically like I love him.

 

Just on a hunch, I decided to check his email

I am allowed access due to personal and business reasons, and the fact that he entrusted me to his passwords due to the fact that he had “nothing to hide.”

Interesting.

I discovered that he has been having correspondence between a young woman on Twitter.

Well I’m being nice

She’s really a dinosaur-faced chick, with no self-esteem or self-worth

I couldn’t get his side of the conversation

The email account only picked up what she was saying.

And that stuff was raunchier and steamier than a Zane novel.

And I know steamy.

 

She basically described a recent (I can tell) sexual experience with the man who said he wanted to marry me and be with me for the rest of my life

Now, normally, I am able to better compose myself when discovering new and interesting facts

I analyze what it could mean

I debate on whether or not to take action to what I have found

I struggle with the part of me that still believes that there is good in everyone

 

These are the facts, ladies and gentlemen:

 

A woman is sending my boyfriend explicit messages.

She is describing a sexual experience that she has had with him presently

She is speaking based on familiarity, which implies that she has a past with him

She is calling him “pet” names like “bae” and “baby” and “babe”

She is describing certain aspects of his living arrangements, which means she has been to his house

She knows certain present things about him that no one would know unless they have an intimate relationship with said person

She said that she loved him TOO, indicating that he was the first one to say those three words to her.

 

So, there’s the spread.

Those are the facts.

 

My first reaction is hurt and disgust

And then anger beyond the likes of which I have never felt.

My whole plan is to go over to his house and demand answers

I think that slight violence on my end may be involved because all I can think about is getting a bat and bashing his head in

I think about the utter betrayal and disrespect

All of the lies that I have been told

All of the things done to keep me dumbed down to what was happening.

I think about these things, and I gotta say, I fell for it

I was led to believe that I was the one

The only one

That I was the one who held importance

But now I see that it doesn’t take much to tell someone what you think they want to hear.

 

I can promise this.

I will never again play the fool.

I know the game and all of the rules

Maybe true monogamy is dead

Maybe human kind is not meant to be betrothed to one person all of their lives

Maybe there is no such occurrence as “soul-mates.”

Something simply made up in the Romantic era and Hollywood movies.

I will seek out the answers that I deserve and need, and close this chapter in my life

I am actually glad to discover this

It gives me more vigor to want to be my own person and live my own life, as intended

Single, if need be.

Although writing this is calming me beyond my original expectations, I cannot promise that I will not react violently when faced with him.

I grew up in a family full of strong-minded women, who didn’t take disrespect from anyone

It’s hard for me to separate what I should do, and what I should leave alone

But I know that I am determined to make something positive out of this, for I believe that everything is a sign

and everything moves like water, in concurrent with some grander plan.

 

The internet has certainly become a tool for finding out the real truth behind the mask that people portray

At least with me, you know that you are getting the real deal.

Btw, this is the girl that was writing him

I looked it up on Twitter, just to be sure

I have no beef with her

I can be assured that she knew nothing of me, and I don’t think that attacking her means anything

HE knows me, and our relationship

 

It is what it is.

I am a stronger and better person because of this experience

I am sure, for my troubles, the right one or ONES will find their way into my life

Until then, I will continue to learn myself

and learn my ways

and what works for me.

That is all any of us can really do.