Holding Back the Years

Now, I’m beginning to fear.
This is really starting to take a turn for the worst.
Why can’t life be like the movies?
Fairy tales make love look and feel so simple
and it’s just not that way.

I feel like I’m drowning in emotions and feelings
I can barely breathe
This is an all-consuming monster, sucking the very life out of me.

I don’t think that I can continue to go on with him.
We have not been together in over two weeks, and things have just gotten more and more complicated.
We were supposed to be working on getting along, and trusting each other.
Now, I feel as if this experiment was all in vain.
I am getting to the point where I don’t care, and when I get there, it’s hard for me to obtain any understanding.

I don’t know why people try to justify being in a bad situation
especially when you don’t have to damn be in it.
I do not feel like I should allow myself to be without…anything necessary.
Why should I?
There are so many opportunities in the world, and to just pass them by for a fleeting feeling I feel is ridiculous.
Why should I settle?

I see the way that I feel now
And I put that with the way that I was feeling before
and they don’t match up.
Could it be that I am falling out of love with him with each passing day?
Or could it be that I just don’t have to desire to keep pursuing his understanding?
I just can’t tell right now.

He was gone all weekend long in Atlanta.
He got back last night, and it barely phased me
I was upset about a few things, but I am becoming used to being disappointed.
Maybe that is a horrible thing to feel and say

I’m just about over it.
To be honest, I have been just about over it for a while now.

What’s the Worst that Could Happen?

I don’t consider myself to be cynical

I do consider myself to hope for the best, but always prepare for the worst

Because, in my experiences, the worst has nearly ALWAYS occured

And when I have a feeling about something, it is always justified.

Today was the day of reckoning

Today was the day to lay everything out on the line

My love was supposed to go to court to see about the fate of his relationship with his first and only child

Oh my god.

I think that everything that could have gone wrong, did.

I expected it

I felt it down deep in my soul

He doesn’t listen to me

He doesn’t listen to anyone.

He went into that courtroom blindly, without a clue as to what would happen.

He now has to pay $246 for ONE CHILD.

He even has to get a lawyer in order to get visitation and other rights for the child, who lives in Pennsylvania.

I told him not to  underestimate the situation.

I told him that I had a feeling that something “not right” was going to happen.

He doesn’t even have a job or a car right now

and to have to pay nearly 300 bucks for a kid that he hasn’t seen in two years

and to pay for one that he can’t even get a DNA test on because he signed the birth certificate.

I’m so disgusted, that I don’t know what the hell to do.

and I know exactly what happened.

He went in there, posted up like a gargoyle or some type of statue, and didn’t open his mouth about anything.

He said that he had a strategy.

He said that he had everything worked out.

And he went in there and pretty much got everything taken from him.

His manhood

His rights as a father

His rights as a parent.

His rights to see or talk to his child

He definitely lost.

He lost big and bad, too.

I can’t help but feeling like this is all his fault

I told him

I warned him.

I don’t understand why he takes things so lightly.

I even had a way for him to discuss his situation with a lawyer

He didn’t seem to think that was necessary.

Now, he has to pay quite a bit out of pocket, for a child out of state, that he can’t see or talk to.

Wow.

I don’t know why, but my heart is broken all in my chest

I hate being right on things that I want to be wrong about.

Damn.

Why can’t anything go right for me or the people that I am involved with?

Oh, and by the way, he has to have the first payment for child support by AUGUST 1ST.

In case you happened to not have a calender by, that’s NEXT THURSDAY.

I feel like I got shafted, and it’s not even my kid.

We’re not even married…yet.

So, doing the math, with the number that they gave him, he would have to pay $2,952 a year for his daughter.

My dad barely made that much when he was on disability.

That means that whatever job he gets, it’s going to have to cover that number, but the cost of his own personal living.

I am literally sick to my stomach right now.

I’m not a selfish person, by nature, but for some reason, it seems like all of this just happened to me

Like I am the one paying for it.

I am with him

We’re supposed to be getting married late next year.

How in the hell is this happening?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I am asking myself so many questions because I can’t ask him

He doesn’t want to talk.

I guess he is realizing how royally fucked up this is.

Ugh.

I’m about to take some Extra Strength Excedrin and lay down.

Don’t have the energy for anything else today

No, don’t have the energy for anything else this damn week.

Sometimes you Feel like a Nut

So the last post was random and a bit malicious on my part

I guess I didn’t have all of the information like that I originally thought

Apparently, I had planted information.

 

We did talk

I kept my composure

I resisted the urge to violently bash him in the head with a bat.

I secretly wondered why someone who go through all of these lengths to prove a point.

 

 

We had a LONG CONVERSATION about trust

He has some issues and I have some definite issues.

I guess it may not be the best thing to log into someone’s account, without their permission.

and I guess that someone would not leave incriminating evidence laying around when they know they gave you their passwords.

I am, however, going to keep the original post up.

It may help someone

Or it may be of some service to me down the line.

 

I have still decided to take some time out for myself

To reevaluate me as a person, and to look down into the depths of myself

I was surprised that the moment he saw me, he knew that something was wrong

He said that he sensed it in my eyes

and the fact that I kept grinning like the Joker was a dead give-away.

Ugh

I hate the fact that my face gives away my emotions every time.

I am, however, glad that I have this blog to go to in my time of need

It saved me from a terribly bad situation tonight

I am happy that we were able to reach a mutual agreement, without the threat of violence (on my end).

 

I guess the old saying is right:

 

Everything that glitters isn’t gold.

 

Well I would be a liar if I said that other things were not done during the time that we spent together

Things were said and things were done…a lot of things were done

Eh, what can I say?

I’m a sucker for love.

I get a thrill out of knowing that someone loves me,  other than those who are “supposed” to love me.

It’s an interesting feeling.

I guess all I can do is just go with it, and follow my best instincts.

It’s truly my favorite aspect of being a woman.

That, among other handy things…

What Have We Here?

I literally discovered myself through my relationships

I have not been in many, but they both taught me some very valuable lessons.

 

Never let you guard down

Never assume something is good

Never take for granted the competition

Never forget that there is competition

Never unnecessarily blame someone else

Always get the facts

Always have the evidence

Always state the case

Always follow through with the threat of consequences.

(maybe that last one is a bit much, but I do mean reasonable consequences)

 

I am sharing this because I know what I am about to do

I know what I just experienced

I know that it was real

I know that I have all of the proof that I need to seek out my own “vigilante” justice

I know that the only thing keeping me in line is this blog

The fact that I am writing these words imply that I still hold a sane amount of common sense

For how long, I do not know.

 

I got into an argument with my “boyfriend.”

I asked for a bit of space

Nothing major

Just to sort everything out

Never meant for it to be a forever situation

I remember saying here that I have never loved another man romantically like I love him.

 

Just on a hunch, I decided to check his email

I am allowed access due to personal and business reasons, and the fact that he entrusted me to his passwords due to the fact that he had “nothing to hide.”

Interesting.

I discovered that he has been having correspondence between a young woman on Twitter.

Well I’m being nice

She’s really a dinosaur-faced chick, with no self-esteem or self-worth

I couldn’t get his side of the conversation

The email account only picked up what she was saying.

And that stuff was raunchier and steamier than a Zane novel.

And I know steamy.

 

She basically described a recent (I can tell) sexual experience with the man who said he wanted to marry me and be with me for the rest of my life

Now, normally, I am able to better compose myself when discovering new and interesting facts

I analyze what it could mean

I debate on whether or not to take action to what I have found

I struggle with the part of me that still believes that there is good in everyone

 

These are the facts, ladies and gentlemen:

 

A woman is sending my boyfriend explicit messages.

She is describing a sexual experience that she has had with him presently

She is speaking based on familiarity, which implies that she has a past with him

She is calling him “pet” names like “bae” and “baby” and “babe”

She is describing certain aspects of his living arrangements, which means she has been to his house

She knows certain present things about him that no one would know unless they have an intimate relationship with said person

She said that she loved him TOO, indicating that he was the first one to say those three words to her.

 

So, there’s the spread.

Those are the facts.

 

My first reaction is hurt and disgust

And then anger beyond the likes of which I have never felt.

My whole plan is to go over to his house and demand answers

I think that slight violence on my end may be involved because all I can think about is getting a bat and bashing his head in

I think about the utter betrayal and disrespect

All of the lies that I have been told

All of the things done to keep me dumbed down to what was happening.

I think about these things, and I gotta say, I fell for it

I was led to believe that I was the one

The only one

That I was the one who held importance

But now I see that it doesn’t take much to tell someone what you think they want to hear.

 

I can promise this.

I will never again play the fool.

I know the game and all of the rules

Maybe true monogamy is dead

Maybe human kind is not meant to be betrothed to one person all of their lives

Maybe there is no such occurrence as “soul-mates.”

Something simply made up in the Romantic era and Hollywood movies.

I will seek out the answers that I deserve and need, and close this chapter in my life

I am actually glad to discover this

It gives me more vigor to want to be my own person and live my own life, as intended

Single, if need be.

Although writing this is calming me beyond my original expectations, I cannot promise that I will not react violently when faced with him.

I grew up in a family full of strong-minded women, who didn’t take disrespect from anyone

It’s hard for me to separate what I should do, and what I should leave alone

But I know that I am determined to make something positive out of this, for I believe that everything is a sign

and everything moves like water, in concurrent with some grander plan.

 

The internet has certainly become a tool for finding out the real truth behind the mask that people portray

At least with me, you know that you are getting the real deal.

Btw, this is the girl that was writing him

I looked it up on Twitter, just to be sure

I have no beef with her

I can be assured that she knew nothing of me, and I don’t think that attacking her means anything

HE knows me, and our relationship

 

It is what it is.

I am a stronger and better person because of this experience

I am sure, for my troubles, the right one or ONES will find their way into my life

Until then, I will continue to learn myself

and learn my ways

and what works for me.

That is all any of us can really do.

When Can I Ever be Wrong?

When I was younger, I used to pride myself on knowing people

I considered myself to be a pretty decent judge of character

That was back then

This is now.

I feel like I just lost the love of my life.

Maybe because I did…

I realize that some things and some people just have to be let go

No matter how much you love it

or what it’s done for you

and how much you long for it

Some things just have to be let go.

I am just learning that the guy that I have loved for the last two years is going downhill

His drinking has gotten out of control

And I don’t know what I can do about it

Since he moved in with his friend, he has taken a turn for the worst.

Drinking and smoking weed

and doing ignorant, immature, childish things.

I can’t help someone who doesn’t realize that they are in need of help

I have tried to understand

I have tried to listen, though he hasn’t been talking much

I have tried to encourage him

and love him

I have loved this man like a champ

Seriously

I have loved him like it was the last, great important thing that I would ever do

and I have been constantly let down.

Damn.

I’m so frustrated with the way life works

I would be allowed to find the true love of my life

Someone who loves me and wants to be everything that I want and need

Someone who takes my breath away, and gives me butterflies every time I see him

But he is an alcoholic

And I can’t be an enabler.

He asked me for just one loose beer

All it cost was a dollar.

Wouldn’t have hurt my pockets

But I couldn’t

I couldn’t bring myself to engage in his self-destruction

I was on my way to see him

I was going to get the ice cream that he liked

and make him some ice-cream cones

I thought that would cheer him up

And make him a little happy

at least

But the only thing he wanted was beer.

He wanted the beer, that was only a dollar.

That was it.

I refused.

He told me that he didn’t want to see me without the beer

and hung up the phone in my face.

I can’t remember the last time I was that devastated.

I could feel my heart breaking in my chest.

He sounded like a wino; a common addict

He didn’t sound like the man that I loved; the man that I had adored

He sounded like an addicted stranger

Broke my heart in a million pieces.

He keeps calling

asking to see me

But I know what he wants

He only wants to drink.

My mother said that if he doesn’t want to get help or get better, then I should just cut my losses

and move on with my life.

But how the hell do I do that?

I worry about him all the time

I pray for him way more than I do myself

I think about him all the time.

I wish for his happiness and contentment.

I want things to go well for him.

But I can’t be subject to that type of behavior.

He is so brilliant, and bright and smart.

He is just throwing  his life away.

This has been an awful day.

Some things I wish I could be wrong about.

I wish that I could be wrong just once.

But now that I’ve matured and have had experiences, I am a lot wiser.

I wanted to be wrong today.

Smh…

Solo Dolo?

It has recently occurred to me that everyone that I have ever taken an interest in has had more baggage than an airport.
That’s a huge task for me; someone who prides themselves on being able to “fix” things that are broken.
I think that I have just outgrown the appeal to “broken” people
I always find myself caught up in the mystery and intrigue of the “black sheep.”
they’re cool
they’re bipolar (always)
they’re fun and experienced
they know what they want, but no way of how to get it
they’re impulsive, and move like water
they’re strange and mysterious
they’re usually sexy (and you can never tell why they are but they are).

Since I came into the age where people were attractive, I have always gravitated towards the strangest of people
THE OUTCASTS.
I guess I always felt like I was like them.
But I don’t know if that is enough to drive a relationship

This guy
The lion-faced boy
I have talked to him for two years
The attraction was immediate
The conversation was amazing
The interest was there on both sides
The chemistry was off the charts
Everything about him is a complement to me
Well, almost everything
He’s 31.
I’m 24.
He has not accomplished anything great in his life
He has simply lived and made mistakes
A WHOLE LOT OF MISTAKES
I mean, I believe that he thrives on making mistakes like a car drives on gas
He has chosen the wrong path so many times in his life
and now here he is, at 31
with one four-year old daughter who lives hundreds of miles out of state
He doesn’t have a job or a car right now
Actually I have never seen him behind the wheel of a car
He doesn’t really have a lot going for him
But still I’m grossly infatuated
Sighs

But lately, it has been making me feel “unclean.”
Like maybe I am facilitating his down-ward behavior
Or maybe I am simply trying to stay in the jungle gym of the thing that is his life
I love him
More than I have ever loved any other man besides my father
But he has disappointed me and let me down, SO MANY TIMES
The good thing is he is in school, pursuing a degree in Graphic Design
But even that is not enough to make me think that he is on his way to greater things in life
Maybe I should have checked this out in June 2011, when I first started talking to him
Maybe I should have checked the Carfax or something

My fear is that I will end up like him
that I will be 30 years old, and would have done nothing significant or have nothing of significance that is my own
I am so afraid of that
I love him, but I don’t want the life that he has had
I don’t admire it at all
I want to be in charge of my destiny, and always take advantage of my GOOD opportunities
It just angers me that he continues to live the life that he does, and tell me that he hates the life.
That is such an oxymoron!

Well I am at my wits’ end
I have been waiting for him to change around, and to make the best decisions, but he keeps coming up short
He comes up short, and expects for me to understand
and stay
But the longer I stay, the more I feel like I’m playing the fool.

I sincerely believe that we need time apart to figure things out with our individual selves
He already lives a pretty “single” lifestyle
He lives with some of his guy friends, and all he does is bug out with them
I just think that this is the time to concentrate on me
I need for me to be a better me
Maybe that’s selfish, but I want more for me than anyone in this world wants for me
And I feel like I am on my way to getting it.

So maybe being solo dolo isn’t the worse thing right now…

Learning from the Mistakes of Others

I pride myself in looking deeply into the lives of others
Especially when I spend a reasonable portion of time around them
and it never ceases to amaze me

THERE ARE SO MANY FOOLS IN THIS WORLD.

So many educated fools, at that.

Being that I have talked to the same person for two years now, I have encountered a lot of his friends and family.
One of his friends in particular is a guy named Bryan.
Bryan had two little girls when I first met him, both by different women.
I know that in the time that we are living in, that’s not really taboo anymore, or even considered “front page” news.
He was “dating” and living with someone named Jacqui.
Now, I use dating very loosely because Bryan “dates” others too.
He “dates” soooooo many other women.
And he did all of this “dating” while living with Jacqui.
Suddenly, one of the girls that he has been “dating” becomes pregnant with TWINS
WHILE THEY ARE LIVING TOGETHER.
And shortly after, Jacqui discovers that she is pregnant!
This child will make the FIFTH one for Bryan, meaning that he will have THREE children all born in the same year.

Jacqui has stayed with Bryan throughout the “dating”
and staying out all night
and bringing women to the house
IN HER BED
And even so far as to get another woman pregnant
with TWINS
While she is right now 32 weeks pregnant with his FIFTH.

This is the strangest situation that I have ever seen in my life
I wonder what she thinks every time she is laying next to him
or every time she sees him post a picture of one of his twins on Facebook
I wonder what goes through her mind when she is going to her appointments alone
while he is driving around in her car, disrespectfully engaging in sexual activities with other women at their houses and at the one that he shares with her
I would love to know what her thoughts are on that
I would love to be able to venture inside of the mind of Jacqui, and consume myself with her thoughts.

I was there numerous amounts of times at their previous address
and I would listen to her as she cried herself to sleep, alone, for many nights
While I was in the company of my significant other, she was in the next room, bawling her eyes out.
They have lived together a few times, and Bryan has never spent an entire 24 hours with her.
He is always “out”
“Dating”
“Hustling”
Doing absolutely nothing, is what I call it
But procreating!
and it makes me sad that my guy would surround himself with someone this disrespectful to women
I don’t say this because I am a woman myself
I say this because I have a deep appreciation for strong women
Now, this is not to say that I like all women
or even all mothers
I always had more male friends than female, but I appreciate the everyday struggles of a woman
And for someone to just take advantage of that, with no reason and no purpose, other than being “a man” is a sad and sorry excuse for a man.
It makes me sick every time I see these two on Facebook
He never acknowledges her
He always have a profile picture up of him and other women
He never talks about her
She is always mentioning him, or tagging him, or writing him little notes on his Wall.
It’s just so sickening to me; how a woman can let a man degrade and belittle her like that.
And the fact that she is having his child!
Ugh!
She will be stuck with him for the rest of her life.
And she kept the child, thinking that it would be his first boy
But the other young woman gave birth to twins; a boy and a girl
So he has four girls and a boy
No job
No car of his own
Nothing that can be used to support them, other than marijuana money
and he smokes more of that than he sells.
It’s just so disheartening to see a woman receive that kind of treatment and merit it to “love.”
She doesn’t know love
It doesn’t hurt like that
Or take advantage like that
Or leaving you crying at night
It nurtures
It helps
It grows.

The thing is, why is this bothering me so much??

*the dash in between*

for years, i have had questions
questions about life
questions about the dash
you know, the dash
the thing that actually defines you
your legacy
your purpose
your reason for existence
you are born
you live out the “dash”
and then you die
that dash has become everything to me
lately i have re-evaluated everything in my life
the people
the choices
the decisions
the past
the present
the future
everything has come under close scrutiny
and i think that there is no need to really trust anyone
i have discovered that it is better to depend on no one
it seems like they all let you down….eventually
so, now i’m wondering if that is the life that i am meant to live
a life with no one in it that i can really trust
how sad
i wish that i had known the things before that i know now.
i think that i would have been a better person
probably would have had even less people in my corner, but i think that i would have been happier
i look back and i realize how naive i was
how utterly in the dark i was about life and its consequences
wow
did i do anything right?
that is the question i would ask myself when the dash is over
the life that i have known on earth is over
did i really do anything right?

today was epic
went through some mess
came out of some drama
and now, i’m wondering was it all for the right reasons
i hate drama
i hate being in the middle of mess
i don’t like gossip
i’m a pretty well kept person
i’m a peacemaker
i’m a lover, not a fighter
but i will fight for the ones that i love
and yet, i still ask, was it all for the best?
was it right?
was it enough?
was i able to spot good people and did they fit right in my life?
was i a good judge of character?
i mean, true character?
i ask myself this so many times
life can be so disappointing
but can find ways to be so fulfilling at the same time.

i spend so much of my time looking for the knife in my back
trying to discover who is really for me and who isn’t
and the shit always ends up hitting the fan
i may be called the “seeker of truth”
i just can’t be in the dark about anything because i spent so much of my life not knowing much of anything
i’m worried now
i’m worried that my dash is going to be too painful to look on and recall in the future
and my future is bright
everytime i think about it, i get smiles and a light shines in my heart
but i have to remember that i have to get through this time
this present that i have been given
this is what i need to work on right now if i want to have any hope for the future
but, as of right now, my dash is still undetermined
i am still thinking of ways to make that dash mean something
and i have yet to discover that
i don’t have a loyal friend in the world
or a decent person to talk to that i trust
that has been a huge word for me lately
what in the hell is the trust?
i feel like i have encountered the worst of the crop in my 21 years
damn
wasn’t i a good enough person
i ask that many times a day
i just think that it will all be revealed to me when i’m ready
and wise
perhaps that is the day that the dash in between will equal a life worth living
and loving.

missj

*trust is an option*

so, i recently connected with an old friend, Jay
yeah, we had bad beef and haven’t righteously spoken in nearly 3 years
i haven’t seen him since november
of course, i have no social life and don’t get out much
but i saw him a week ago at a gay club (was with friends, so don’t ask) and we just kind of hit it back off
i always think that it’s convenient to get back into touch with people who already know you
of course, people change, or one would hope they change, within the course of 3 years, but you find yourself not trying as hard to impress them
which is a score for both of us
and he has really missed me
so, me and him have been talking this past week and everything has been gravy
but with the renewal of this friendship, i have discovered so many things
who in the hell can you trust?
i mean, we have talked over so many things and have analyzed every person in our lives
and i’m left with one question
who the hell can be trusted?
as of right now, my answer is no one but the good lord

so this is the dilemma
i have a friend named TQ
and we have been friends for 3 years
but we have had 3 big fall outs or whatever
sometimes we don’t see eye to eye on things and her way of dealing with stuff is putting a LOT of space between us
but, anyway, i have confided in her about everything
i mean, there is nearly nothing that i keep from her
and i was sure that it was vice versa
so, i’ve been having “man” problems and i discussed them with her because she is my friend
but she pretty much know what’s going on
i shared everything with her about me and my love life
or lack thereof
when i started back talking to my friend, he pretty told me my whole life story back to me
and we haven’t spoken in 3 years
i was in utter shock and horror
how the hell did he know what i was doing and what i had been up to?
then we found the source
the one thing that i didn’t know that we had in common
it was TQ
it was a friend that TQ and Jay share
who is completely irrelevant to me since i don’t like the guy
but TQ told him ALL MY BUSINESS and then he reported to Jay like some little bitch
i have never been a messy person
i have never been involved with mess
or have started mess
i prefer to stay to myself and not worry about things that i have no control over
but i was angry
it’s another thing to share your life with your friend
anything that goes on with you in one thing
but when you share private personal events of other friends’ lives with other friends, shit starts to hit the fan quick
i live in birmingham, alabama
shit gets around so quick in birmingham that by the time you go the mailbox, three people across the street have recorded it and all of YOUTUBE know
i mean, it’s not that big and if you know one person, you know 20 people’s personal business
i couldn’t believe that TQ, of all people, would confide in someone like that and then spill all of my personal business
that really hurt my feelings, and as a result, i have lost trust
trust is like jobs
so hard to come by nowadays, and for me, once it’s gone, it’s really hard to get it back
it’s just nature for me
Jay told me all about my love and everything that i have been through in the past 2 months
i mean, he knew EVERYTHING
SMDH
i talked to TQ tonight and i really wanted to go off and make a huge scene on the telephone
but Jay told me not to
and i’m glad that i didn’t because that would have beget drama
it’s hard to do something when more than one person is involved in something
with this crazy ring, there’s me, TQ, Jay, the other guy and maybe a few other people who i know nohting about
it’s awful
i can understand TQ’s concern about me and my love life
i mean, when you are in love, that’s just it
everything matters, but your love matters in an entirely different way
and “he” is my family
it’s like we share the same blood and the same heart and the same mind
i can’t breathe without him
it’s just a connection like none other that i have in my life
or ever will have for that matter
and i can see why
trust is sparingly available nowadays
i’m so sad for TQ
she is not going to get 100% out of me, because i’m hurt
and i really don’t know how to approach her on that without it turning into a huge thing
oh well

there goes that friendship

missj

*just friends*

i get so amused by this phrase
“we are just friends”
what the hell does that mean?
“well, we occasionally get together and screw like hyenas in heat, but we’re just friends”
whatever
i am so tired of that phrase being abused
terribly used and referred to as the “cut buddy”
“no strings attached”
“friend with benefits”
“i scratch your back and you scratch mine” type arrangement
that is so old and played
people need to be more honest with themselves
they justify not being real adults and replace it with childish games
i, myself, can understand how one can get caught up in a situation like this
it’s so easy
for example:
you are really feeling this person
they are really feeling you
but, all the while, drama lies underneath
could be confusing history
bad attempt at first relationship
worse attempt at second relationship
career taking front seat
anything
there are so many factors that play in the removal of the “traditional, committed relationship”
so anyway, you don’t want to throw away the history that you have with this person
for some reason or another, they feel the same way
and although you two are unable to make it “work” at this moment in time, you agree to try “other methods” of keeping it in the balance
so, you try casual dating
only see each other when you have time, but no strings
allowing each other to breathe
then you try casual sex
which, of course, is an oxymoron in itself
and everything is fine
life is great
no strings attached
no committment
no weird attempt at another “failed” perception of a relationship
just occassional meet-ups for lunch
and sex
and to top it off, the sex is always great
the non-committed
non-attached
no-worry sex
oh yeah
believe me
it’s the best that a non-relationship can offer
for a while, everything is smooth
but then, you or they meet someone
someone interesting
someone worth finding out about
someone worth getting to know
then everything changes
the slick remarks saying “we are just friends” no longer holds its appeal
it becomes vile and offensive
it’s no longer fun and “organized”

so, i feel like the whole “just friends” thing is a myth, created by people who don’t want to commit
but still want that particular person in their life
and all they can offer them is a cold beer and some hot sex
and eventually, as it always does, that gets old
and played out

sometimes it better to learn from one’s mistakes
don’t get me wrong
i love my babe and i danced around the whole “just friends” things for a long, long time
in four years of knowing each other, we dated four
i broke if off because he just wasn’t ready to play “boyfriend”
and even after that, we were still engaging in questable activities for two people who were supposed to not be TOGETHER
or whatever the hell that means
but we never dated other people
but we never tried to give our thing another go
and that always left us with questions
“what are we really?”
“what is our title?”
“what shall i call you?”
“isn’t ‘friend’ a bit informal?”
“why should i call you my friend when we do so many ‘unfriendly’ things?”
you start making up excuses to not move on, as if you are in a real relationship
my favorite thing to say:
“oh, it’s complicated right now.”
that’s a damn lie!
nothing about love is really complicated
it’s just that people try to make it into a riddle
something that must be solved and conquered and it’s much more complex than that.
sometimes it’s merely about believing
believing that people are placed in your life for a reason and then figuring out how they fit
if you are meant to be with someone, in time, you will be
can’t rush it
can’t make it happen
can’t make it not happen
it just will fall in place at its own rate
and in its own time

now, if only i could take my own advice
[taps finger on chin]
hmm

missj